Hi girls!

I'm 66.9, well I was this morning. Fucking Christmas and all it's chocolate.. It's coming off quite fast though, because I've made a foodplan of 400-800 calories a day, + a minimum of burning 300 calories. I will fuck up saturday and sunday (new years = boose and 1st = hangover), but all the other days untill we're leaving january 14th. I will not "diet" while we're away, but I'm not going to overeat, make the healthier option and walk a lot. Cant wait untill we're over there!

65.7

I wont weigh more than 70 kgs when christmas/new years is done. I wont. And after new years till we're going on our vacation (14 days), are P and I are on a diet. I dont know which one I want to do yet, but I think I'll decide next week. Cant wait!

Took laxatives last night. My body did not respond, and I'm not even using them often?! Stupid body, never does what I'd like it to!

Had a bowl of yoghurt this morning (100?) and then nothing until dinner which was chinese food! +34523524624525 calories! Burned like 600 calories today at the gym so I hope I wont gain..

Off reading and commenting!

sorry for disgusting information

I'm 66.0 kgs, but I have not been to the bathroom since thursday, so I dont know how much I really weigh.. 800 calories yet today, and I have not been having dinner yet. Thank god P dont need a lunchbox tomorrow so I dont have too cook = I can eat low-cal. And I walked to and from class which burns about 300 calories.

I've been very emotional for a couple of days, craving everything, my boobs have grown like twice its size and I'm not about to have my period. I hope it's just some hormonalimbalance and not a pregnancy.. I'm sort of scared because I dont think I could go through with an abortion, but I'm in the middle of college..

What else? I'm irrataded at most of my friends. I dont know why. LOOOOTTTSSSS of thinks to do at school..

Now: Supersize vs superskinny and youre blogs!

saturday rant

Hi girls!
Had really fun last night. Got really drunk, hehe. Had 3/4 of a burger, 0.5 cup of fries, 4 crackers with cheese, 1 bottle of whine and I think 5 or 6 ciders and 1 piece of bread when I got home. Accidently droped a 1/4 glass of cider in a bar, haha. While talking to P's brothers friend. He also appeared from nowhere with a chair when J and I got there, becuase I had nowhere to sit. With zero intentions, haha.

Another guy that actually had intentions was J's friend who came over before we went out. He kept giving me compliments like aaaaaaall night (he've met me when I was fat, so some of them was about of my weightloss) and asked for hugs and stuff. He even asked me if i could cheat on P, and when I said no he asked "Not even a kiss?". Yesterday I didnt really care but today I got sort of angry. Wtf is wrong with people who tries to get into not-single-persons pants?! Okay if they are inlove or something, but this guy was only horny! And why the fuck did he think I would cheat on P?! I would seriously hate myself forever if i fucked things up with P. If you havn't noticed P is awesome and I really love him. Like for real. Like 2,5 years in our relationship I still get butterflies in my stomach everyday.

Got home around 3 am, went to sleep around 4 and wakeing up at 6.30 in the morning with a serious hangover. Had to take some painkillers and was in a horrible mood. Felt soooo sorry for myself, haha. I feel fine now (12 hours later) and I've eaten 1/2 a pizza and some candy. I will eat more candy and 50 cl of non-light soda while wathing Rango with P in a while. I've not had non-light soda since we were in finland last summer, and I had one, before that it was like.. march I think. When I started dieting.

I want to end this post with: YOU guys are amazing. Really. I dont even think you know how awesome people you are. I wish all of you lived next door with me so we could hang out, haha. The support I find in you is incredible <3

thank you for your support

Hi guys!
I started reading blogs yesterday but I could not leave comments so I stoped and will try again when I'm done with this post.

Morning weight was stupid 65.0 kgs this morning. I had like 500 calories and burned 300-400 at the gym, and only dropped 0.1 kg?! Stupid body. Today I've had 2 crackers with low fat (creamy) cheese with tomato and red onion on them (100 calories), sausage with mashed potatoes and shrimp salad (600), a clementine (35) and 1 cup of coffee and 2 cups of tea. AAAAANNNNDDDDD no exercise. Do I have to tell you I wont eat a "proper" dinner? Thinking another couple of crackers and some tea..

Tomorrow will be another terrible day. I'll fast all day because J and I are making hamburgers in the evening, having lots of boose with it. Our men are out eating christmasbuffets, so we're taking a girlsnight.

<3

why is 24 hours so little time?

I'm 65.1 kgs. I really hope to see 64-something tomorrow.. 5 kgs left. My ribs are more noticable. I'm still a pile of fat, but somedays I'm actually quite satisfied. BMI is 20.5, not that bad, huh?

Saw a really fat woman at the gym today. I wouldn't have reacted on her if she had clothes her size on her.
She, serioulsly, showed like 15 cm of her stomach, because it was a gap between her pants and t-shirt. I'd guess she had a BMI like 50 or something. HUGE belly. Made me REALLY motivated, and that was my whole point, haha..

My stomach still hurts when I run. Yesterday I did fine and there was no problem, but today I had to get of the treadmill. I fucking hate that. Burned only 230 calories in cardio..

I have to prepare for laundry now, I hope I got the time to catch up with your blogs later
<3

Long time

I'm 66.2 kgs. I'm been eating really much these past 1,5 week. I'm about to start counting today, because I really want to lose these last kgs. I'm walking to class today, even though they say it will rain by the time it's done.

Tried my old shorts yesterday. Those from last summer. They actually fell off my body when I didn't hold them.

And I will stop smoking. I got like.. 7 cigarettes left and when they're gone I'm done. I dont want to be that person, and I really dont feel like doing it anymore. I've been doint it for 7 years and I'm done.

I need to get going.
I miss you guys.

Devil

Hi girls!
Morning weight was 65.6. Awesome or what?! I'm sort of back in the zone, even though I bought my favourite white bread yesterday. I dont think I will binge on it anyway. Lived on 3 cups of coffe and ½ a piece of blueberrypie all day, so when P and I were shopping grocerys my body was shaking like it was -50 degrees.. P talked me in to buying the bread, I think he's worried.. I know he is. Well, it's only 5.6 kilo (at first I wrote calories, and could not for my life understand why it looked so wrong) left.

Today I've been eating probably about 600 calories and dinner it yet to come. I'm making it, so I can make it pretty low cal. It'll be no working out for a couple of days now. My throat's all sore.

I'm sorry if you're disgusted by (my) feets.. But this was what my scale showed yesterday morning. I stood there, smiling to myself. 666, like the devil you know? I'm so fucking lame, haha! :)

Favourite thinspo of the moment

I'm so fucking stupid..

Morning weight is 67.1 kgs.. I'm so stupid, so fat and failing. I'm losing motivation a lot latly, which is stupid because I know I only have too look at a ed-related blog and I'll remember what I want. So why dont I read your blogs? I do want to get skinny, do I think it will happen from laying on the couch, eating?!

I want this to change. I've gained a kg since my last post and its noticable.. Good thing I can see it, but bad thing it's on the fucking scale.

A lot of people around me wants to lose weight. Lately they've come to me asking for advise.

I have to study for a while now, but I will be back later today, reading and leaving comments. I WANT to change this!

It's been a while..

And I'm sorry. I've had zero motivation to blog and very rollercoasterlike thoughts about food. Sometimes it feels like I can eat what ever I want, and sometimes I dont even feel bad about it. Most days I eat a little and lose weight. I was 66.1 kgs this morning. = I've lost 31.2 kgs since march 15th. Right now I'm eating a huge bown of yoghurt/granola/raisins for brunch.

I'm scared that I might hurt my muscles working out and not eat "properly".  Sometimes when I'm on the treadmill my stomach hurts so bad, yesterday I even had to get off and lock myself in the bathroom crying for 5 minutes.

I need to get skinny. P and I are leaving january 14th for a week at the Canaries. I need to get bikini-fit. It's not going to be easy cause christmas starts sunday.. We're celebrating (aka eating shit) every sunday 4 weeks before christmas eve. Chocolate all over the place, ugh..

Well.. Schools going great. Life in general is going great. I'm tired a lot though, dont know if it's because it's dark like 24/7 outside or if I'm not eating "enough".

I just wanted to let you guys know how it's going and I'm alive.

bad blogger..

Yesterday I was 68.3 kgs when I woke up, today I was 67.3. When I started march 15th I was 97.3, with makes it a 30 kg loss in 8 months. Not that bad, right? I'm really tired right now and I'm losing hair like a middleaged man.. It freaks me out, I actuallt lose so much hair ALL THE TIME that I'm scared I might get bald soon. If that's not enough I'm getting a cold.

I realized my stomach isn't flatter. I think it's because my skin are sinking back, if you know what I mean? 30 kgs is kind of a lot of fat, so my skin might have been sort of loose.. Well, it's flatter, but I should not be able too see a difference, I think.

P gets home at 8 pm. Yesterday at 7 I was in the bathroom doing the big one and since I thought I wouldn't be long I left the door open. Guess who got home an hour earlier without telling me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bathroom's like the first thing you see when you get home too.. Luckely I managed to close the door just in time, but I was pretty embarrassed and pissed anyway. He just called to tell me he gets here in 10-15 min, and it's 6.40 pm, haha! Good thing is we're sort of used to being disgusting with each other. I had pneumonia summer '10 and I threw up all the time = I had a bucket next to me on the couch aaaaaand a lot of partying = more unintentional purgeing.

I better start making dinner.

a new day

Weekend of eating = 68.3 kgs today. 35 min on the treadmill (-375 cals) and like 5 hours of cleaning our apartment. I've been drinking a proteinshake, a clementine and a slice of white bread with butter, ham and cheese.. Ugh.. Dinner will be a bowl of low fat sour milk with granola and I might allow myself another clementine later this evening. I will still have an okay intake.

Got a new phone, and downloaded a new app for weightloss. It's a fresh start.

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, just as long as you don't stop.

67.9 kg. even though I ate twice yesterday. Happyface! Today I walked to school, down town, and home. Burned about 400 calories. Ate a pear for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch (had to stay after class with 2 others and work on our project) and I will eat dinner too. Thinking a little pasta and some quorn meatballs. No disaster.

Funny thing.. My stomach is a lot flatter. It's really noticable, I can see it. No real change on the scale, but clothes are still loser. I dont really want to eat right now, haha..

Good girl gone bad

Hi girls. I was 68 (wrote 86 at first, haha) kgs this morning, sharp. I've been eating lots and lots today (both lunch and dinner) and I'm hoping it wont be a gain tomorrow.. Like half of my plates were veggies, so it should be okay, right? I cant do anything about it now, anyway. No working out today either.. Sucks when I burned about 950 calories yesterday (and ate.. 500 maximum). But there was no time, I've been doing laundry and studying all day. I got an exam that I have to turn in on friday so I'm reeeeeaaaally busy.

New week

Long time, no see, again! Scale wa 68.7 this morning.. Almost a 1 kg gain this weekend. Today it's back too the gym and restricting my calories again. Even though people told me at the party saturday "You're not on a diet anymore, huh? You dont need too lose anymore weight".. Yeah, like they know what I need. I need to be 60 kg, thin and beautiful. I want to be counting calories.

So tired

Sorry for my absence but it's been so much right now. Weight has been 68.6 everyday except for this morning when it was 68.0. Of course is today the day when I had planned a day-cruise with J. Ate a baguette with cheese and salami on the bus, and a buffet for lunch. Ate so much that I actually thought I was going to be sick. I'm not eating anything else today and hope for a kind number tomorrow.

I dont even think anything has happened these past days.. Studying and shopping. I can fit into a US size 6.. At least on the higher part of my body (stupid hips) and it actually looks good. I dont know how because I'm fat. Yes, you heared me. I'm fat and exhausted and I really need to study more and work out and eat less and smile more and be more perfect.

It's been 1,5 week since I was at the gym.. Mostly because my body still hurts, I think it's in my joints? I dont have the time to get there before monday, but monday I'll be back. I'll work out once and see if my pain gets any worse. If it doesn't I'm good to go again. I always gets so sad when I dont work out nowadays. At least I've walked around a lot doing my shopping, lol.

And I should really get better on commenting your blogs.

Bad weekend

Morning weight: 68.6 kg. Not a huge gain, even though I ate a lot this weekend. Things solved itself with P, he asked me if I wanted to come with him to the grocery store and on the way over there I told him it was a really stupid thing to say.. He didn't understand, but it made me calm down. Sam and Kitty, words are not enough. Love you both and thank you for pulling me together <3

I really need to get back to restricting.

I dont want this

I'm currently in the bedroom. I was in the kitchen, making tea, when P took some yoghurt and a couple of crackers. So I wanted to eat. I took a tablespoon and shoved it in the applesauce my granny did yesterday and he says "why dont you just eat candy? That is probably containing just as much calories". Great way too go P, do you want me to starve? And you know.. He is not stupid, asking me about how much I've eaten when he gets home, telling me I dont have too lose anymore, that he's worried.. And then he say things like that? Must be horrible to be with someone like me. Fat, ugly, boring and disgusting.

And this day started really good. Weight was 67.9. Turned my exam in, (ate chinesefood) booked our trip (changed it too 1 week instead) and went to F. One of her daughters (1,5 years) loves me, she can say 3 things really good and thats "mom", "dad" and "Mia", so you get the picture. The other one's 5 months so she doesnt even understand who I am. Anyway, the oldest one got really happy when I came, wanted to sit in my lap all the time and was around me all day. I was really happy when I came home one hour ago and now I'm in here with tears in my eyes. Fucking great.

I want to hurt myself and never eat again. Sleep and never wake up, it's like dying without the commitment.

Cause you had a bad day

My knee is really, really bad today. Hurt a lot so I decided to skip the gym and walk to school instead. Finished my exam after class and walked to my grandma.. That means a shitton of food. When I got there she was in the restaurant eating, and asked if I wanted food or if I'd ate. I told her I ate at school (even though I did not) and she asked me if I was lying?!?! And I'm a great lier! She wanted to at least buy me coffee and made me buy something sweet too.. Then we had more coffee and a cinnamon bun, one piece of her spongecake and like 20 grams of chocolate. Then she asked me to stay for dinner, serving pancakes. Fucking awesome, Mia. Walked off about 400 calories so fingers crossed I wont gain.

Scale said 68.1 this morning. And I've got cravings. You wanna know what I crave? Yoghurt. It's 35 calories/100 g and I could die for it. Not get fat for it though, not worth it.

Let's do this

Hi guys.
Scale said 68.4 kg this morning. A 0.1 kg gain.. Later on, and after I hit the gym, I was 67.9 kg. I'm so happy to see some movement on that damn scale. Can't wait till I'm 60 kgs. Wont be satisfied though, I think. Too much fat on me left. Won't be gone in 8 kgs.

My knee hurts, so I couldn't push myself to the limit, making my gymsession a -500 calories. My bad knee was all warm when I got off the treadmill.. I hope the pain's gone soon, because I've had it for more than 48 hours by now. Can't get hurt badly right now, I need to be able too move around (and going to the gym). I've eaten.. 600? calories today. Not counting and it feels okay. No it doesn't.. I ate too much dinner. It was tasty though, and I managed to eat slow, took me half an hour too get through the meal. And it was sort of "normal" sized.

I'm done with that now. At least I don't want to snack.. Trying too see the bright side, you know?

44 hours

Morning weight was 68.3, and 68.3 when I got home, ?? after my binge and 68.3 after the purge. Reading Kittys comment about her fasting ending up in binging and purging in the middle of my binge. I went straight to the bathroom and I hate to purge. Tried my toothbrush (I'll start brushing with a new one tonight) for the first time, but I had to stick it so far down my throat that I hurt myself (apparently, I'm bleeding now) and I didn't really get anything up. Started too use my fingers but I dont think I got it all up.

44 hours of fasting. I think it's the longest I've been and I wasn't really hungry. Dont even know why i started too eat when I got home from school today. Maybe it's because I was in school all day, or because I hadn't been eating for almost 2 days. I'm not beating myself up over it, anyway.

Sweet monday

No counting calories this weekend. Good thing because 1. I dont know the amount and 2. I dont want to know. Scale said 70.1 this morning but 69.7 when I got back from the gym (and I drink a lot at the gym) and I'm on my period, so I dont know.. One thing I know is I'm fasting today. Water fasting, thinking of making it a 2 day waterfast too. Or maybe I'll fruitfast tomorrow, I'll keep you updated!

Had fun at my party. Ate a shitton (including like ½ a cake because I had leftovers yesterday..). Had tacos before we started to drink and oh my god, my stomach started to act fucked up. Had a stomachache ALL night saturday, which made me a little less pumped for the party. Was really stressed about the party too and friday night we spent 2 hours at the ER because P's stomach had been hurting for 2 days.

Yeah.. I'll make this week great. I will behave ALL week. Sunday we're about to change the tires on my car, so it's lunch at my parents house. I know what we're eating and I've already decided how much I'm allowed. I want to start losing weight again, it's been a +-0 on the scale for too long. More dicipline, Mia. I cant get lazy because people are telling me I'm a lot thinner. Still fat and I want it OFF.

Hope you guys are doing great. I'll read your blogs later because right now I really have to study..

Friday.

Hello darlings. Yesterday I didn't eat all day. Had a huge salad at dinner but that really set me off on a small binge.. Ate pastrys right from the freezer, haha! Must have done something right, anyway, because I went from 69.4 kg back to 68.7 kg. I do not complain.

Today I wont eat untill dinner too. I guess. I'm going to my parents house (mom's going to dye my hair) and they will probably have bingefriendly food at home.. I will get there before they get home, by the way. My body's really sore, so I wont even go to the gym today. The sky's all blue (even though it's freezing) so I'm thinking about taking a long walk at my parents house to not fuck this up.

Hungry as hell right now. I probably need water.

It's a given

Of course it was a gain. 69.3 is what stared back at me this morning. How to celebrate it? With 4 digestive-crackers (2 of them with cheese..) and a ricecake (435 calories). I went to the gym, burning 455 calories and I'm planning too have a cupasoup for dinner later. Have too save my calories for Saturday, because it will be hard.. I'm having all my closest friends over for drinks. And there will be cake AND I bought like a 1 kg of crisps.. P and I are also having tacos with J and her boyfriend before the rest arrives.. I will try not to eat that much but I know I'll gain.

Had an awesome day yesterday. Went shopping with J and in Sweden it's 18 at bars, but 20 at the liqourstore, so of course I had too buy a couple of boosebottles, haha. Awesome feeling being able too get my own drinks.. I've been drinking since I was 13 so I've been waiting for a while! P bought me flowers (I've told him multiple times I'd like that) and told me he's paying for a 2 week vacation abroad!!!!!!!! We're going either in december/january or july I think. My sweet, sweet love <3

Birthday!

Today I'm turning 20, yey! A lot of congratulations to me, haha. My scale was kind this morning telling me 68.6 (lowest weight, again) kgs. Even though I ate like.. a fat whale this weekend. I will eat a lot today as well, but it's my birthday so I will not allow myself too feel bad about it.

Sorry for my absence, by the way.

FML

Morning weight was 70.6. I'm on a huge binge right now. Since friday. Gained 2 kgs and I will eat like a fat person today too. My stomach is really swollen, it looks like I'm pregnant. And hey, I think I'm about too have my period too, even though I'm in the middle of the chart.

I want to take laxies tonight and fast tomorrow.

Great day

In: 113 (proteinshake)
Out: 764
Net: - 651 calories
AWESOME day. Went to class, which was cancelled (AGAIN!!!!), so I went home and wrote on my exam until J woke up and we went to the gym. Then I went home, showered and had my proteinshake and then walked over to her place. We played cards (we ALWAYS do) and I didn't eat anything. She offered me both ricecakes and dinner. "I'm eating at home later", but when I got home it was 7.30 pm. a) I dont want to eat this late b) I'm not hungry and c) I dont want to see 69.6 again tomorrow.

I should take my dietpills more often. Gives me a hell of a lot of energy and really reduce my pain. I wont have the time to go to the gym tomorrow, but I'm doing laundry, baking and cleaning all day so I'll probably need the energy. My birthday's next tuesday and both mine and Ps relatives are coming over for coffee on sunday. Ugh.. I'm making cake, cupcakes and 3 other type of pastrys. My brothers girlfriend is going to help me out (she's a pastrycook).

08.00 - 12.00 = cleaning our apartment
12.00 - 17.00 = laundry
12.00 - ??.?? = baking and buying bakingstuff
13.00ish = eating. We've already decided on salad
Multitasking!

this is not the way

In: 868
Out: 600
Net: 268 calories
Morning weight was still 69.6, I hope it doesn't go up tomorrow.. Ugh. I want too lose weight. Now.

Gym tomorrow.

tuesday

In: 1667 (OMG)
Out: 373
Net: 1294 calories
So.. Had chinesefood with my parents today at lunch. Buffet.. It's "cinnamon bun day" in Sweden today, so P and I bought a bag of 5(!!!) big ones.. Ate 2 each and I feel like I'm going to be sick. Have to kick ass at the gym tomorrow to make up for it. And not eat that much, ugh..

Morning weight was 69.3.

lovely monday

In: 352 calories (2 suger free bars, 1 proteinshake and fishballs)
Out: 707 calories (running, cycling and weights)
Net: -355
It did not go so well with the whole "high intake" kind of thing.. Partly because I didn't know if it would go right through me (if you know what I mean..). When I left for the gym I was 69.5, I almost shit out a kg, haha. FML.

It was a lot of hard work at the gym today. I'm sent back a couple of weeks, cant run as fast as I used to 1 week ago. Going back tomorrow and I just have to think positive; it does not take long to increase your condition!

Have a nice monday guys

Todays class is cancelled which suits me very well. I ate a lot of candy yesterday so I got a really nasty stomachache right now. I'm not used to sugar anymore so it's really laxative. I've had my monday morning weigh in and scale say I'm 70.1 kg again. Last monday I was 70.8 so it's still a weeklyloss and saves my day. I'll be back at 68.9 in no time, I just worry about my high intake from now on.. I might try to keep it down, especially since I ate a shitload this weekend. I'm thinking a proteinshake when I get back from the gym and then a salad with a peanutstakething for dinner. It's like 500 calories for today? If I want/need to eat more I can do that too.

I think it's my new birthcontrollpill that's causing me to have this appetite. I crave things like all the time and feels like a trashcan when I eat. Blah.. It's a known sideeffect too but it should be gone in 2-3 months. I'm all moody too, because it's a lot higher in hormones (other hormones) than my old one.. I just hope it stops my bleedings!

Yesterday

I ate like there was no tomorrow. And I'll probably do that today too. Yesterday we went to this building with a lot of small rooms with different quests in them, you know what I mean? We went with like 10 other people to celebrate my cousin, so I did burn some calories during the day. Dont know how many.

Met this really skinny girl over at my cousins place at his b-dayparty. She was like reeeaaally skinny and reeeaaally toned. My weightloss was sort of the subjekt of the night because my cousin havn't seen me since I started losing, so it felt natural to tell her I really liked her body. We talked a lot during the evening and later on she got a little drunk and telling me she had anorexia a while back (claimed to be healthy now but didn't eat anything all night), a BMI of 17 now apparently, she had tears in her eyes while telling me her sister talked her in to get healthy again and warned me to get stuck with this diet thing.. The wierd part? It made me want to throw up and stop eating.

Woke up at 5 am this morning with a really bad bellyache. Felt like it was about to burst and I had not been eating or drinking anything for 6 hours. Was really thirsty and had a headache so I tried drinking some water which made it hurt even more. I almost cried because it was that painful. So scared.. It's gone now though.

I'm so tired of my body being a fuck up.

What was supposed to be SGD Day 26 (written at day 27)

Was a total fuck up. Decided to not count calories when I got home around 8 pm. I wanted to binge. So I did. In was about 1500 calories I guess. Out.. 300? A 0.2 kg gain, but that's probably liquid and food and I havn't been to the bathroom since.. monday? I just think I need a break. Wont be counting today either. Not "official" anyway. It's not like my brain will stop counting because I say so.

I think I need to eat. My body needs it. I'm scared. You know these things under my arms that I though came from working out? Like the skin had become irritated while I was at the gym? It's spreading.. Yeah.. I got it at other places on my body and it's like when you get a sunburn and your skin starts falling off, you know? Really disgusting and I'm scared it's because of some lack of either water or nutrition. Want to make my hair stop falling off too. That's why I'm going off the SGD and from monday I'm going too double my intake and eat 800-1000 calories a day.

I made it 25 days, sort of, anyway. I lost exactly 5 kgs in those 25 days. I'm still fat those 1000 calories is a maximum. Except for this weekend. As I said, I wont be counting but I will be thinking about what I put into my mouth.

SGD Day 25

In: 482 (out of 500)
Out: 111
Net: 371
I reeeaaaalllyyyy want ice cream right now. I'm currently using ALL of my willpower to not walk into the kitchen and eat some. It's pretty low in calories which makes it even harder to resist. But. I. Will. Not. Eat. Scale said 68.9 this morning and I want it to be less tomorrow.

I've been eating breakfast, lunch, a snack and dinner today. Really low calorie meals, obviously.

SGD Day 24

In: 475 (out of 450)
Out: 375
Net: 100

Great day. Coffee and water all day and an 1 hour walk. Made spagetti bolognese (spelling?) for dinner (and had 25 calories more than allowed) and it was SO good. I've been craving it for a couple of days and I decided to make it today. Don't regret it, but I guess it's because my scale told me 69.6 even though I fucked up yesterday. 25 calories wont kill me. And I try to think that they came from veggies, because I had a lot of them too. It feels a lot better today. Motivation's sneaking back, I just have too keep my eyes on the goal. Like 9 kgs left.

Do you ever get scared? 'cause I am.. When I reach my goal, when I'm all satisfied with my body, then what? I know I'll have to maintain and shit but it still scares me. Too see that loss everyday has been my entire world for these last 6 months. I dont want to quit. Maybe that's why these last few days sucked, I might be trying to ruin it for myself? I dont know..

SGD Day 23

Both in and net: about 1000 (out of 300)

I'm such a fucking fatty.. Did good all day, but since I went to F I ate her moms awesome food (500 calories) and then had some cookies (other 500). Ugh. I even had a couple more in secret after they left the kitchen for like 2 minutes.. No exercise either. It's 5 pm and I wont eat any more today.

I was 70.1 this morning, right now I'm 70.3. Makes me feel okay because it's 2 hours since I started to eat. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I will make it better. Hate these 300 calorie days!

SGD Day 22

In: 375 (out of 400)
Out: 300
Net: 75
Oh my god I'm SOO hungry! I could just eat and eat and eat but I wont. I've had an apple, 2 crackers, a salad with mushrooms, 2 meatballs and a ricecake today and that's enough. Craving the diet ice cream but no way. I've promised myself to stick to the calorie amount and I need to stick too it. Dont know what's up with me, it's like I've lost motivation.. I hope I get back on track soon because I know that this is what I want. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Walked to school and turned down when a girl in my class asked if I wanted a ride home (she lives like 2 houses away).

P's invited to a conference in the US in november. Vegas. I wish I could go with him, but I'm only turning 20 in like 2 weeks, so I cant really do anything over there.. That really sucks. Like REALLY sucks. Guess we can go someday when I'm 21. STILL sucks.

300 calories tomorrow.

SGD Day 21

In: 1800 (out of 700)
Out: 100
Net: 1700
OMG. Scale say 70.8kg today and yeah.. I feel like shit even though I KNOW it's mostly water, sodium and disgusting food in my body. Today is a new day and I'm allowed 400 calories. I'm walking to and home from my class today (cant go to the gym because of my stupid armpits..) and I wont eat more than 400. Coffee for breakfast and an apple for lunch.

Ugh. My stomach hurts so bad.. I just went in to the bathroom but it didn't help. Things still need to get out. And I have class and have too leave in like 5 minutes. Fuck.Well.. Need to go. I'll give you on info on the day (22) later tonight.

Let's do great today!

SGD Day 20

In: 1800 (out of 650)
Out: 300?
Net: probably like 1500 calories

I fucking hate alcohol. And food. I was at like 1000 calories even without the boose.. I'm sort of hungover but P's worse. He slept in the bathroom and can still barely stand on his feet. And it's been 12 hours since he last drank something. I've just eaten 25 grams of chocolate (130 calories) and later I'm ordering pizza or something. Thinking falafels with rice. Or a hamburger. Ugh. It feels like "fuck it" right now, like I can eat this. But I know that when this greasy food hits my stomach I will feel like such a failure. Cant even work out right now because I got HUGE chafes under my arms. It hurts like hell when I move.

I almost got into a bitchfight yesterday! My brothers crazy ex-girlfriend sat at our table, and his girlfriend was so afraid that she would do that when we saw her at the club. So I said to her "If you're planning on staying, you should just leave because noone wants you here" (have in mind I dont like her either and I was super drunk).. So she came over to me (she sat like 2 chairs away) and was all "did you want something?" and I told her I wanted her to leave and she said she wasn't planning on staying and I apologized because if she was leaving, there was no problem (feel free to say hi but dont stay kind of thing). Then she told me that I should not jump into conclusions because I probably was at least that mature and then I told her I DID apologize. Made her shut up and leave. Funny thing though - she apologized to ME for being a bitch like an hour later! She's really sneaky (trying to become friends with me when she 1. cheated on my brother, 2.spreads rumours about his new gf 3. hang out with his friends to be close to him) and a total bitch. If that made any sence for you guys, haha!

Morning weight yesterday (day 20) was 69.9kg. FUCKING BELOW 70!!!!!!!! Today was 69.5, but since I was throwing up yesterday it's probably not the "real" number? Right? Even if it is it will be gone tomorrow after all the eating I will do today. Because, I know I will eat even if I know it will ruin both my mood and my body. And because I was throwing up the alcohol calories actually are lower, but I counted them as I didn't throw up.

SGD Day 19

In: 978 (out of 500)
Out: 592
Net: 386
Omg I've been eating sooo much today! Binged, but since we only got "healthy" stuff at home I binged on low cal ice cream, popcorn and grapes. I feel sick because I'm so full right now.. My net's still below the limit so I should be fine though, I just hope I wont gain.

Tomorrow is another question.. My brother's celebrating his birthday with his friends and we're invited. Why are boose so high in calories?! 650 calories tomorrow - fuck me! And I will not even be going to the gym making my "out" higher. If the weather's okay I'm thinking a walk. But I have to study too.. Damn!

Time to go to bed. This mornings weight was 70.2. yey!

SGD Day 18

In: 385 (out of 450)
Out: 1255
Net: -870
How awesome is that?! I really love this day <3 I felt that binge again this morning so I had 2 crackers and a bowl of cereals.. Then J and I went to the gym for 60 minutes (35 on the treadmill and 25 with the other machines), home and shower and drinking a proteinshake and then she picked me up again and we went shopping. There was a new HUGE mall opening today and we got there at 3.30 and didn't leave until they closed at 8. I fucking burned more by spending money than what I ate! This even made me skip dinner. I've spent like.. 250 dollars but I got A LOT of stuff. AWESOME! I even bought jeans size US size 4!!!!! 4!!!!!!! (but they were really big in sizes.. I tried another pair and they we're size 6 and was sort of too tight).

I have not been drinking proparly so I got a real headache now.. And I have to make lunch for tomorrow and it's 9 pm over here. I'm making tuna salad and I hope it's not that exhausting, haha. Thinking lettuce, tomato, paprika, cucumber, corn, peas, eggwhite and fat free italian dressing (and tuna ofc).

SGD Day 17

In: 619 (out of 400)
Out: 559
Net: 60
Intake was 399 until I decided I wanted popcorn. I felt a binge coming and I know I rather eat a lot of popcorn than a lot of other stuff that's higher in calories. Because I exercised okay today, my net is okay too. I went running in the rain again. For 40 minutes. Loved every step. Later I had to walk to class because my brother borrowed my car, and it was still raining. 30 minutes of walking in the rain.

Morning weight was 70.9. I hope it's less tomorrow. Going to see my gynaecologist tomorrow about my bleedings and I hope they can fix it. After that I'm going to the gym. It's been almost a week since I was there and the soreness in my back from swimming is almost gone. Have to study tomorrow too.. Ugh.

SGD Day 16

In: 780 (out of 300)
Out: 600
Net: 179
J asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner and like 3 seconds later P texted me and told me he was working late. So I caved and had mashed potatoes and sausage.. 780 calories (because it was with bread and some shrimpthing too). Well, net is okay anyway. Went for a 50 minute walk with J and after dinner we went for another one for 30 minutes with her boyfriend. It rained both times, and when we split I did a 5 minute run home. Realised I love running in the rain. I hope it rains tomorrow, so I can skip the gym and just go for a run. I was thinking of doing an extra mile or so before I went inside, but I decided not to. Because it was 8pm.

Now I'll go get me some Coke Zero and Reply to comments/read your blogs.

I'M IN THE BEST FUCKING MOOD EVER TODAY. Even though I ate a fucking ton. Morning weight was 71.0 by the way. I hope I hope I hope it's less tomorrow (71,5 right now, but I ate less than 2 hours ago).

SGD Day 15

In: 400
Out: -700
Net: -200

J and I went swimming for over an hour and then spent 2 hours with intense Xbox Kinect playing. Had an sandwich for lunch (we ate at the swimmingplace so I had too) and a salad for dinner. Great day, even though I was 71.6 kg this morning. I weighed myself before I took a shower and that time I was 71.1. Hopeing to be 70-something tomorrow.

Not much else is happening around here.

SGD Day 14

Okay.. Today I fuuuuucked up. Calorie limit was 700 and I had more than double that. Burned only like 100 calories.. Feel like shit.

I had lost weight though. Tried my oms leatherpants again and I could button them if I sucked my stomach in for all I'm worth (2 weeks ago it was like 5 cm left).

Relatives expressed concerns. "Dont get to skinny", "slow down", "are you eating enough". WTF?! I'm not even near skinny yet and I'm nowhere near a low BMI. "standard weight" for my height is 69 kg. I'm like 71 kg (72.3 right now..) and can even lose 10 more without being underweight.. Ugh.. Are people blind?

guess thats when I lost it too.. And ate. Too show them I'm not afraid of calories. Too show them I'm not always dieting. Too show them I'm healthy and normal.

SGD Day 13

Friday went well. I got really drunk and throw up when I got home. Guess I'm not used to alcohol anymore and probably ate to little too. Had fun though. 
In: 870
out: 1100
Net: -230

Yesterday
In: 750 (out of 650)
Out: 200
Net: -550
Morning weight was 70.3, And this morning I'm 71.9 AGAIN. Fucking water.. I'm so disappointed in myself.. It's water and all the stuff I ate yesterday, but it still feels like shit.

SGD Day 12

In: 97 (so far and out of 450)
Out: 670 (so far)
Net: - 573
This leaves me 1023 calories to "play with" tonight. I'm walking to and from J later = another 200 calories? Have to go to the store before I get there.

After out 1,5 hours at the gym we got back to her place for coffee. I wasn't really hungry and I managed to not eat while she did (told her I would eat later and wanted my shake first). But when I was going to drive her down town at 2 pm I started to feel very sick. I thought I was going to puke and reeeeeally needed to go to the bathroom. Drank a little water and felt a lot better but it was still so freaky when I was driving.. My legs kept shaking like CRAZY and it was really hard to drive. I'm driving stick so I had to use my legs a lot too.. But I managed to get home safe and drank my shake. Started too feel sick again so I had to lay down. Now, an hour later, I feel a lot better. I think my body has absored all the nourishment in the shake, giving me energy again. Still a little cold though.

I'm really hungry and I guess it's because it's "my time of the month" soon (even though I already bleed..). Not craving chocolate yet. I'm thinking of making a stuffed paprika for dinner, with a salad. It's pretty low cal and I sort of crave it since that's what J made for lunch.

I better hit the shower while I feel okay. Have a lovely friday girls! Make good decisions and enyoj yourselfs, because you are absolutly amazing!

SGD Day 11

In: 504 (out of 500)
Out: 1035 (I love walking to places <3)
Net: -531 calories

Another good day. Forgot to take my dietpills this morning so when I got home from school and gym I was in a binge mood.. Still am.. It's a good thing P's on a diet too, because that means we only got healthy, sort of low cal foods at home. And I'm starting to crave those healthy things. I dont want pizza, I'm in the fucking mood for salad!

Tomorrow I'm going out for drinks with J. I got a bottle of white wine and I think that's all I'm going to drink. I'll go to the gym and eat a low cal dinner before I leave to save myself some calories. 450 is the limit.. Ugh. Thinking some carrots and some quorn (150?) = I got 300 calories left = I have to burn at least 300 at the gym (I will burn 600 if I go there by car. Like at least 900 if I walk).

I'm so pumped! Cant wait to get dressed and do a partymakeup and all.

SGD Day 10

In: 900 (out of 400)
Out: 500
Net: 400

Oh, I have been eating soo much today! Scale said 71.9 AGAIN this morning which made me feel sort of like "fuck it".. It will probably be like 72.5 tomorrow, ugh.. My body's sore from yesterdays workout and I hope it's gone tomorrow because I'll go again. Have class in the morning, then gym and I'll probably go visit F after that.

I'm really tired today..

SGD Day 9

In: 300 (out of 300)
Out: 715
Net: -415

Pretty good day, huh? Ran for 30 minutes at the gym, I ran so fast I thought I was going to puke (again!). I love it. I've eaten a salad and a proteinshake, the shake was not that bad. Vanillaflavor, 117 calories each. Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom and my brothers girlfriend. Ugh.. I hope we'll eat salad but I sort of crave chinese.. Caloriebudget is 400. Thinking of walking down town (and back home), and making that tomorrows work out.

I ate like the worlds largest salad 2,5 hours ago. I'm SOOOO hungry right now.. No pain, no gain.

SGD Day 8

In: 305 (out of 400)
Out: 450
Net: - 105 calories

Today was awesome. Morning weight was 72.1, I finished my paper, I called the doctor and made an appointment and J came over for coffee. Ate an apple at.. 4, one ricecake at 8 and a cracker and fishballs like 10 minutes ago. I'm soooo full right now. But "nice" full because it was a really healthy meal and I was superhungry. Went walking with J for over an hour at 8 pm. She wants to lose weight and is asking me for tips and such. She told me she's worried about me though.. Told her I'll eat normal when I've lost the rest of my weight, I think it calmed her down.

I ordered proteinshakes like.. friday and they sent them today. I hope I get them tomorrow. I think I'll start having them as lunch (and sometimes dinner) because I need them when working out and they are about 100 calories each. I hope they're not disgusting, lol..

Got the makeup I ordered from ELF today. Yay! J liked it so much that she ordered some herself. Cant wait to do my makeup :)

I tried P's jeans like 2 weeks ago and could barely button them. I tried them again yesterday and they fit perfectly. Just wanted to let you know!

SGD Day 7

In and net: 603 calories (out of 650).

Dont have much more to say.

SGD Day 6

In: 438 (of 450)
Out: 94
Net: + 344
Made pancakes for lunch today, ate them with jam and ice cream. And that's about it. Well, except for tea and coke zero. Now SGD is "back to normal", i just switched yesterday with today I guess.

And yeah.. I got my period today. Should've been coming about 2 weeks later, I'm on the pill and I've been eating it for 2 weeks now (since my last period). Awesome life having this stupid bleeding for 3 weeks out of 5. Really. I'm thinking of calling those who're prescribing it and start taking something else because I'm getting sick of bleeding this much. Damn, have been like this every month these last 6 months.. Sucks I've got like.. 9? months left of borthcontrol pills left at home. Fuck.

But, most important, I DID NOT GAIN YESTERDAY!!!! I was 72.7 this morning (think I was 72.8 yesterday morning?). I absolutly LOVE my metabolism right now. I hope I've lost again when I step on the scale tomorrow morning because I'm fucking starving right now. I'll have trouble sleeping tonight, sigh..

SGD Day 5

In: 1650 calories (out of 450 and I've overestemated)
Out: 1000 calories
Net: 650 calories

I'll probably gain (my stomach is seriously like a house now), but it was worth it. I'll probably switch sgd-days because I can probably stay around 450 tomorrow or sunday. So I dont ruin everything (and this weekend it's 650 cals/day).

I dont have time to write anymore but I have to say THANK YOU ALL for you'r lovlie comments. You are awesome people and deserve nothing but the best. Amazing, really. It really made my day suck a little less <3

.

I'm really tired of myself. 72.9. +0.6 kg since yesterday. FML.

SGD Day 4

Shitty day today. Like, really shitty. Weather sucked but I took my bike anyway (I'm fucking impressed by myself) and I got an headache on my way too uni. Were there for like an hour when we were finished and got to F's place with an even worse headache. Took an asprin, didn't help. Hung out with her, went for a mini walk and played with her kids. When I was on my way home my headache got so bad I thought I was going to faint. Had to stop and take it easy for a while.. Ugh. Still got a headache but it've gotten a little better.

Because her mom make like the best food ever I ate while I was there (and because of the headache). 670 calories to be exact. Burned 370 from walking/biking which gives me a net of 300. As long as my net is less than the calorie limit I'm satisfied (500 today). But I wont eat anything else today. Tomorrow me and P are going out for dinner and watching a movie at the cinema = A LOT more than 450 calories even if i try to restrict my eating. I will spend like 2 hours at the gym in the morning to make my net as low as possible.

Positive thing! Woke up and scale said 72.3 which means exactly an 25 kg loss since I started dieting on the 15th of march this year. Yey!

SGD Day 3

It's 6.30 pm over here right now and I've had 338 calories (out of 400). Only work out type of thing I've done today is walking to the store getting my new jacket that I ordered (-85). It's a size M and it's a liiiittle tight in the arm area. I guess I need to lose about 4 kgs to make it fit perfectly. Which is no problem because I want to lose more than 10 more, and my arms are really one of my biggest problems. I've got my moms armes which are HUGE. Really. Like a size bigger than the rest of my body, lol. We also got no as, it's kind of wide but totally flat. Love the jacket, anyway.

I should study, but I seriously got no motivation today. Well, there will be other days and I'm kind of ahead so it's fine. Tomorrow I'm allowed eat 500 calories. If it doesn't rain outside I'll ride my bike to school, and then to F, and back home (1 hour total?) and that'll be tomorrows workout. I'll put on makeup for the first time in what seems like ages, and I will try my new make up palette. FYI.

By the way. I'm 72.6. WHY IS IT GOING SO SLOW?! I was 72.8 yesterday, and I guess thats not like really slow but a couple of weeks ago I lost 1 kg/day! I just want it OFF. Now! Ugh.. I want my leatherjacket and my moms letherpants to FIT! I want to be skinny and turning heads.

SGD Day 2

In:
Vegetarian meatsause with broccoli (131)
Popcorn (165)
Total: 296 calories (out of 300).
Out:
Running (-332)
Strength (-155)
Walking (-70)
Total: -557
Net: -261

AWESOME day. I was hungry as hell but it was really no problem. P bought cheesedoodles while we were at the store = I had to make popcorn so I could stay away from 'em. Did good.

Went to the gym for 50 min. After 30 min on the treadmill, running faster than I usually do, I felt like I was going to be sick. 20 min of strength was aweful because I really thought I was about to puke. Had class after that and my stomach kept growling, didn't eat my apple and the stupid cafe only accepted cash today, so I could not buy diet coke or water or anything.. Another girl in my clas asked if Iä've lost weight.

Ordered a knitted cardigan online and got it today. Size M. It fits me perfectly (I was an XL 6 months ago).

I want to purge, but P's home. I'm really scared I'll wake up more fat again tomorrow.

SGD Day 1

Calorie budget is 400, I've eaten 300 (counting fruits/veggies) and walked off 350. Net -50. I'm having a great day, feeling awesome. Tomorrow's 300 calories, piece of cake. I'm also taking my fat butt to the gym tomorrow, making this fat disappear. It really feels like I'm back on track!

Mealplan for tomorrow:
Apple (110 cal)
Salad (190 cal)
I'll be bringing the apple for school in case of emergancy. I hope I dont have to eat it but I'm having class in the afternoon..

And hello to you, new followers! If you want me to follow you back, leave a comment and I'll check your blogs out :)

Fatty

I'm back. Even back on track. Scale said 73.9 this morning = almost a kg gain since friday morning. 2000 calories yesterday. Today I wont eat that much and tomorrow I'm starting the SGD. My parents are coming over for coffee tomorrow, and I "have" to offer them cookies or something, but I'm home all day monday (study day) so I'm thinking of baking something low-cal before they get here.

A while ago I told you that my mom said I didn't need to lose anymore weight. Yesterday she said I could stand losing like 5 kgs. I know it's true but it feels a lot better when people tells you to stop lose weight, because that's sort of a compliment. When my mom was my age she bought a couple of leather pants, size 38. I'm sort of between a size 40 and 38 so I could not button them when I tried them yesterday. Mom say "lose 5 kg, so you can button them". She asked me how long it would take, I said 5-weekish maybe and then she said I should try them again on my birthday (11th of October). Well, it gave me a new goal (since I now fit into all my "not fat" clothes).

I need to lose this fat. Fuck.

FML

Shitty weekend. Huge binge today without a possibility to purge. I'll be back on sunday (or monday if scale says "YOU'VE GAINED, FATTY" tommorrow morning).

OH!

And yeah, one of my classmates said "You've lost weight, huh?" but more telling me than asking me. I'm really happy that it shows, you know, when people you dont that know that well, haven't seen in a while or just sees you fully clothed.

Totally made my day.

I ate pizza like 6 hours ago, and I can still taste it.

73.1. 2 pieces of bread with tomato and onion (120), 1/4 of a pizza(530!!?!?!?!?!?) and 10 hours later it's still 73.1. I could shit my pants, that's how scared I am about eating anything else today. Fuck.. Went to the liquerstore with J and afterwards she wanted pizza. She wanted us to share because of how boring she thinks it is to eat alone. First I said no, but after a minute of her trying to convince me, I caved.. I only ate a little more than half of my share, gave the rest to her. I hate myself for eating a fatty pizza, but I cant help to be proud at the same time. I didn't binge. I were eating slow, and then I decided it was enough. It's like the first time I dont shove the binge-type-of-food right down my throat. I chewed.

Didn't binge yesterday. Had 290 calories. My body's all sore from the 1,5 hour at the gym yesterday. Burned 850. Tomorrow will be a fatty day. I'm going to visit my mom, she'll do lunch and probably some snacks too.. Ugh.. I wont eat anything else and try not to overeat.

By the way.. Today I saw on Facebook (!!?!?!?!) that one of my closest male friends is having a baby with his girlfriend! We haven't been talking that much lately (I got school and he got work) but I'm sort of.. offended that he didn't tell me and I had to found out on HER wall while snooping around. She's 7 months pregnant too, so it's not even news! And hey, she's only one year older than me. I'm a little jealous, but I cant have a baby right now. Dont really want to either.. They're just SO cute!

I guess pizza didn't build that body..

I'm doing it for those skinny legs

Scale say 73.5 kg. I'm hungry and a binge is not that far away. It's 09.40 am. Great start. I've had one piece of bread with soft cheese (47 cal), and I'm bringing an apple with me in case of emergency because of school. At 11 I'm about to go to the gym and I hope it's what it takes to snap out of this eatingmood. Ugh. I'm planning some soup for dinner.

I'm sore from working out at home yesterday. Feels awesome. Had 113 calories which makes it a lot better. Aiming for a max of 500 today. Stupid hunger. Maybe if I take my diet pill it will go away. I need energy and a lack of apatite.

blah

No update yesterday so here's for catching up:
Monday went almost like I planned, hade a sandwich too which got my intake to 250 calories.
Tuesday appeared without a loss. Hade 500 calories with a 250 calorie "workout". Had too study and hung out with J for 3 hours, watched a movie with P.

Today the scale said a 0.4 kg loss (I'm back to 74 kg) and I actually did an actual work out. Did it at home so I dont really know the calories burned, but I guess it's like 250. I know it's really great for my metabolism so I keep my fingers crossed for another loss tomorrow. It should come true because all I've shoved inside my mouth yet is water and it's 2 pm. Thinking a cup a soup (50 cals) tonight before we're going groceryshopping (=burn some more calories).

Tomorrow I have class at 1 pm so I'll move my but to the gym before it. Have to study some more (have been doing that all morning) so I got the time. That will be fine. I know I wont have the time/energy to go to the gym everyday now when I'm back at school, not every week anyway, but I've made a promise to myself to at least go once a week. This week has been horrible, but I'll try to make the next one better.

Maybe I should put some coffee on and hit the shower before getting back into schoolwork. I'll read and comment your blogs later.

A little bit of a rant

It was a gain again this morning, surprise!, of 0.8 kg. Still lost 2.1 kg in a week so I dont have to panic even though I'm sort of pissed about it. Only ate what I ate at dinner, but I did clean my plates.. I'm back on track today, it's 2 pm and I've only had black coffee and I'm not even hungry. A salad for dinner tonight will de fine. I wont be able to work out today either so a 200 calorie intake sounds allright.

My feets still hurts if I run, my calves still hurts and the weather is to shitty for me wanting to go for a walk. Yep. I was also going back to collage today, so I'm tired from lack of sleep anyway. Had a real hard time going to sleep last night and I woke and tried to go back to sleep for like an hour. Not that smart to get up at noon yesterday.. Got a lot to read till thursday so I better start reading it today. I'm happy about going back though, 3 months of nothing makes me want to be busy and stressed out, lol.

Changed my car insurance today. Found another company that provided an insurence for HALF what the other company took. And it's a 45$ difference/month!

My scale and I are no longer friends.

Scale say 73.5 kg today. A 0.6 gain from yesterday. But I'm not really surprised because I ate a FUCK of a lot, I went into "binge mood" at the birthdayparty. I was so fucking disgusting, ate and ate and ate, and I didn't even WANT the stuff I was shoving in my mouth. I had to eat the 2 cupcakes that was left, even though I didn't even like the first one.. Ugh.. It was a 2000+ calorie day..

Cant really make up for it today either. Birthday dinner this afternoon with P's relatives. I'm having coffee for brunch making this dinner the only thing I'll eat today. And I wont have alcohol, diet coke will be my best friend today. I'll try to eat as little as possible too, but P's relative is paying so I cant leave that much without being rude..

Well.. It's 1 pm in Sweden and we're supposed to be at the restaurant at 4, so I better get in the shower and get ready to go.

Partyparty

Scale said 72.9 this morning = 3,5 kg loss since MONDAY. Thats 5 days! Yesterday was not that good.. I ate sort of fine, stuck to my plan except for 2 plums and too little exercise. My feet started to hurt at the gym so I only did 10 minutes of cardio instead of 30.. In total, the day ended at like +200 calories. I'm happy because I really craved an apple last night and I didn't eat one.

The reason I "cheated" and had plums, was because I sat in the sun, only chugging coffee and after 3 hours I started to feel sick and was sweating like a pig. I could barely rise and my vision was all black all the time. J sort of forced me to eat someting.. All last night my vision was all strange. It went black for 6-7 seconds once and I had to hold on to the door everytime I did get up from the couch, only so I would not fall in to a pile of fat on the floor.

Today is fine so far. Had 2 eggwhites for breakfast, and an apple for lunch (160 calories) and I will have a salad for dinner (200, tops!) and then it's only boose left. The vodka I'm bringing is 513 calories.  I'll mix it with Fanta zero. Dont know how much I'll drink from it, dont know how much my body can handle when I'm not eating much. If I drink all of it I'll probably end at 1000 calories, it isn't that bad, right?

73.8

Dont get me wrong, I'm really happy about this, but it have to be some water weight or something that's coming off too? Is it even possible too lose 2.6 kg in 4 days? I dont belive my scale right now. And I'm really afraid of the weekend.. Both Saturday and Sunday I'm invited to birthdayparty's. Saturday with alcohol and sunday with food. I cant gain!

Yesterday I had about 100 calories. Fucking awesome. Burned like 700. Today will be a litte higher.. Thinking breakfast (40) and dinner (36), at least -500 at the gym which leaves some room for some fridaysnacking with P. Will probably be popcorn which I can allow myself with a good conscience.

Discipline is remembering what you want

I just got back from the gym. Burned 500 calories. Scale said 74.7 kg before I left. Only 4.8 kg until I reach one of my goal weights, I will probaby cry when I go below 70. I've eaten 35 calories from the 1 dl yoghurt I had for breakfast. Planning on having some magical nudles for lunch and maybe having some of them for dinner (14 cal/100 g) if I'm hungry. I want to stay below 500, would be awesome with a net that's -.

Yesterday went awesome. I notied I said my breakfast was 75 calories, but it was 75 GRAMS and 39 calories. Lunch was ~350 calories and that was all I ate. Burned a little more than 300 from walking/riding my bike and a little more from vacuming the apartment (+doing the laundry). Mom and I decided to have salad for lunch which is awesome, and I ate about half before I was full. On salad for god's sake.

My mom asked about my weight, said I wasn't fat and that I didn't need to lose anymore. Told her I wasn't satisfied yet and she was all "Oh, lose a couple more and you'll be fine". Told her I want to get below 70. Told P I want to get below 70. When I've lost 5 more kgs I have to start sneeking. Pretending to eat a lot more than I do, cause people is starting to get worried. 70 means a BMI of 22, and the "optimal" weight for my height so I can get away with that. I want to get down to 60 which is a BMI of 19, and the lowest I should weigh to still be in a "healthy" BMI. I think I want to be somewhere between 60 and 65, but I just have to see what my body looks like.

I want to be able to do that. I'm on my way. My legs no longer rub together when I run. 

todays plan

I ended up having almost 800 calories yesterday.. Felt bad because the 300 cals I had in the evening were all from snacking. 1 candybar (108), 4 fibrechips (92) and 2 plums (61).. I'm disgusting. Still a loss this morning, anyway. Scale say 75.0 kg, and I cant even remember when i weighed this "little" the last time. I was like 75.5 when P and I met 2 years ago, but I had more muscles so I were skinnier.

Going out for lunch with my mom today, dont know where we'll eat yet. I had 2 eggwhites (75) for breakfast so the intake will be okay. My body's all sore so I wont go to the gym today, I'll just take the ~30 min walk to my moms job and back home again as todays work out. I'm also cleaning and doing laundry tonight.

I'm glad you came

Morning weight: 75.7 kg. Yey! Had a small cinnamon bun yesterday, but that was also everything. Felt like shit in the evening though, like I was going to puke and I was shaking. Sort of scared me.

Today I had a piece of cake (176 cals) and dinner at F's place (357 cals). Not great but not that bad either, I went to the gym too burning 332 on the elliptical and doing some hard core strength training for 35 minutes. P and I are going groceryshopping tonight as well (=a lot of walking around).

I think my diet pills keeps my hunger away. When I take them It's like I could go all day without food. Do I even have to tell you I love them? Gives me a HELL OF A LOT energy as well.

One day closer

New week

Had the hamburger, fries and popcorn yesterday. ~1200 calories I guess. My weight's still 76.4, and it have been like that for almost a week now, since wednesday? Got to get my shit together again. Today I'll drink water and have a 50 cal soup for dinner. I'll leave for the gym in an hour or so, running my as off.

angry ranting

Ugh.. Had a hamburger with fries today (hangover-day..), it's like 800 calories and the only thing I'm eating today. I was 76.5 this morning, 0.5 kg gain since yesterday. I hope it's okay tomorrow at my official weigh in.. I'll have my "real" period next week so I might gain some waterweight.

And I'm pissed. I visited a website where a girl was all "H&M's new model is too skinny, she'll give our children eatingdisorders with her legs that look like they're going to break". I told her that she should do some reading on ed's because you dont get it from seeing a skinny girl on TV, and she goes on and on about some bull shit that's not even true or logical. She says models get ana from the media. Say what? They have to stay skinny to keep their jobs and are told negative things about their weight like all the time, it's a totally different thing! And she say plus sized models are normal and healthy, wtf?!

Why do people always prefer 10 kgs too much than 10 kgs less? Why is it so wrong to be skinny? I've still got a long way to go but people are already trying to tell me that I should quit losing weight now, that I'm beautiful and not fat. I dont want to be chubby, I want to be skinny! The hard thing is that I'll have to cover it up soon.. If people are getting worried I cant keep telling them I'm dieting. Got 6 more kgs that I can tell people I want to lose, that is safe and still normal. Fuck.

76.0..

.. is what my scale said this morning (kg, that is). Tomorrow it will be.. probably 77.. I've had breakfast (40), lunch (300?) and cookies (300?) and we're going out for dinner with some friends tonight. I'll probably have alcohol = 543633524 calories. Hell yeah.. I think I'll only have soup tomorrow..

yesterday I ended up having 700-800 calories. A hot dog + bun, melon and popcorn. Not THAT bad (and a 0.2 kg loss). I've been fucking up all week.. I'll make next week better, at least untill the weekend. I'll have lunch with mom one day, but I'll try to make it a salad or something, and then I'm invited to a birthdayparty (food+drinks) on saturday and a birthdaydinner sunday. This week I've eaten out almost everyday..

Time to prepare for dinner and I hope you guys do better than me..

falling down to get up

I was to ashamed to post when I got home yesterday.. 1500 calories. 2 meals and A LOT of sweets.. I was at my grandma's and she is really nice and all but ALWAYS keep shoving food inside everyone.. And I only walked off like 200 calories, but the scale yesterday says 76.2, same number as yesterday morning. I do not have to panic or even feel bad, I only have to make today better.. I wont eat all day, and have a little melon tonight as a snack/dinner thing. And maybe a carrot too, if I get too hungry.

I'm about to take my vitamins and pills, get dressed and go to the gym. I'll take my car because the weather's really shitty, and I'm visiting F when I'm done working out. She lives on the other side of town and do not want to ride my bike in the rain, especially when I've just been sick.

wednesday

I did not have the time to post yesterday, hang out with J all day, playing cards, lol. Had 500 calories and the only work out I did was going groceryshopping for 45 minutes.

Today I've not been eating anything yet, but I'm going for lunch with P's mom (OMG!!!) later. I just got back from an 1 hour power walk (my legs are all sore from mondays work out) and I'm riding my bike down town where I'm about to meet her.

And I LOVE my new dietpills!

So this is how it's going

Scale said 77.4 kgs this morning. I'm not that happy about my progresspics but I'm posting them anyway.

This was april, I could not even button them.

This is today. A couple of kg more and they are too big.

Now I'm about to take my new dietpills and birthcontrol and then I'll go to the gym. I'm really excited to see how my pysical condition is after almost 2 weeks of lazyness (well sickness).

Hello hair

This is like 10 strokes with my hairbrush, and my hair only goes to my sholders and I dont even have a lot of hair. AND this is after a week of taking my vitamins so it has been worse, haha. I shouldn't have been so stupid not taking my vitamins..

And I feel like shit. I think I'm about to have an anxietyattack.. Have. to. calm. down. Relax Mia. None of your misstakes ruin everything, you can lose this weight again. It just sucks that it will take a little longer.. I'm trying to think about something else, but I feel fucking useless. It feels like I could puke any minute = I wont shove anything else down my throat tonight.

I hate this I hate this I hate this

Sunday

I've gained more.. 77.3 is what my scale told me this morning. I'm so fucking stupid. And keeps eating today. Ugh.. It's 6 pm and I've had 700 calories today. Fatty. Tomorrow I'll start taking my diet pills and I'm well enough to go to the gym. Have to go get my car checked tomorrow at 7 am, ugh..

Had fun yesterday though, had like 1500 calories. Woke up with a hangover. I'm too fucking ashamed to write more than this.. I feel like crap, and I just have to make tomorrow better.

Datenight

Ended up eating out and both do bowling and catch a movie, "Horrible bosses" and it was quite fun. I usually dont laugh at movies but this one made me laugh a lot. And yeah.. Had about 2000 calories yesterday, and I was sooooo full, but I didn't feel bad about it. Still dont. I guess it's because P and I really needed a date and I tried making healthy options (except for dessert, lol). I had chicken, fries (not that great but I didn't eat that many either), sauce, white chocolatemousse, alcohol and popcorn + like 300 calories during the day.

Scale say 77 kgs this morning, when we left yesterday it was 76.5.. But I guess thats mostly food + liquid and I'm not eating untill dinner tonight. Will probably do about 2000 calories today as well but sunday I will make awesome. We're eating taco tonight (me and F) and I'm planning on having mostly sallad. I'm so excited!

And I saw one of my old best friends at the cinema yesterday. It's a guy and he was there with his girlfriend. I saw that he saw me and recognized me, but he tried to make it look like he didn't. What the fuck? We haven't really been friends and talking for like 4 years but that's not because we had a fight or anything (sort of grew apart and he moved out of town). It's not like I wanted to talk for 5 hours, but a nodd or anything telling me "hi" would have been kind.. Fucking asshole. He dated F like 5 years ago, so I cant wait to tell her about this tonight. Fucking asshole (yes, again!).

Friday

Hello. A 0.2 kg gain from yesterday, which actually is a loss because I have food in my system this time. How big of a loss I dont know. Scale say 76.7 and I only see fatfatfat. P is also trying to lose weight, but in a healthy way (and not that much), and we were talking in bed last night about food and such and he said that I have to be careful so I dont get an ED and that he likes my body the way it is. Even though I'm not overweight I'm still fat, or at least really chubby. Why does everyone keep telling me to stay fat? My mom told me it was enough if I lost 20 kgs, which I have now and I'm only halfway.

So. Today P and I are going to have "a day off" and hang out. He's been working all his "vacation" except when we were visiting my relatives. We're going to look for new curtainthings to the livingroom (since our old fell down, lol) and later tonight we're eating out and probably going bowling or catching a movie.

Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend. We're cooking dinner ourselves = I can make it low cal, so it's only the alcohol I need to worry about. And I probably need to worry about that.. Not eating all day before? I should probably do that today too, but I've already had 65 calories and I'm still hungry.

another loss

Took laxatives yesterday. They sort of didn't work. I hate my stomach. I had two and they almost only gave me cramps.. I could feel I wasn't even done in there when it stopped coming. I use it like once a month so it's not that I'm getting used to it. This morning I was 76.5, though, made me happy (and I know it sort of doesn't count because I laxed). The last three days I've lost 0.5 kgs a day, and that's pretty awesome. I'm afraid I wont be able to keep it up, I will be so dissapointed when it stop!

I got my period again yesterday. Yes, 1,5 week since it ended last time. I'm on the pill so it came in the middle of the chart, for the third (!!!) time in 6 months. I've been on it for like 5 years now and this have NEVER happened before.. Freaks me out. It's normal to have once in a while but it cant be normal having it all the freaking time?!

What a great day

Lost another 0.4 kg, which mean I've lost 1 kg in 2 days! I feel awesome and the 280 calories I had yesterday was totally worth it. I love my new diet. I love that it's low cal and I love eating real food again (even if it's mostly veggies). I'm hungry and sort of wants to binge (glad we dont have any real bingefood at home) so I'm going to make myself some tea.

Yes, this is my third post today

I got my dietpills today.. P looked at them and said it's classified as dope(!!). You know, the dope athletes use, and it even say "Dont use these if you're a competing athlete" on the bottle, haha! It's still legal though, only not if you're a serious athlete (which I'm not). Now he's trying to talk me in to not using them, but I have 100 of them (you take 'em 1-2 times a day) and I wont throw them away. I also ordered magic noodles, which swell in your stomach and make you full for a really long time (and only 14 cals/100g!).

Now I just want to get well so I can try my new pills. Dont think I'll need any extra energy while I'm still on the coutch all day.. And that extra kick on the gym.. IIIIH!!!!!

And I tried some clothes before we left for the store, and even though it was like 2 weeks since I tried them on they all were kind of loose! A lot looser than they were 2 weeks ago! Maybe my weightloss did not show that much on the scale, but on my body.. DAMN. I'm happyhappyhappy! And 5 monthes ago I could not get my favorite jeans over my thighs, but now they're sort of too big, I think I would fit better in a smaller size!

Now I remember!

I was looking at some blogs when some thinspo came up and i rememberd the last thing I wanted to tell you this morning. This is my dream stomach. If mine was flat like these three I would be truely happy.

And I love you guys. You are amazing, allways making me feel a lot better when I'm down and cheers with me when I'm happy. I feel closer to you than many of my irl friends. I really appreciate that you're all there for me. All the time. I felt that I had to share that with you, haha <3

YEY!

I've lost 0.6 kg since yesterday, wohoo! I only have 0.3 kg till I'm down 20 kgs, do I even have to tell you I'm happy? I'm thinking of posting a "before" and "during" picture, so you can see my progress now when I'm halfway there. I only have too see what the new pic looks like next week, haha.

I'm starting to recover from my cold. I hope to get back to the gym next week.

And there was something else I was about to tell you, but I forgot what it was, haha!

Change of plans

P and I are going groceryshopping tomorrow, and while writing down everything I'm about to buy I realized I'd like to change my "50-diet". I can eat how much of all the things which is less than 50 cals/100g a day (well, in moderation) BUT I'm also allowed to eat things over 50 cals/100g but then I only can eat an amount worth 50 cals of it. Like if something's 100 cals/100g I can eat 50 g. I will keep it below 1000 calories a day, but I prefer 600-ish.

It's 7 pm and I've been eating 280 calories this far.

Slow and all

I'm down to 78.2 kg. Not much but it means I'm down 19 kgs. Every gram lost counts and ends up being a huge result. A bit disappointed that my low calorie intake doesn't make me lose faster.. I hope my new pills (left the store today and probably gets here in a couple of days) can help me get even lower. Everything over 500 calories seems like a huge amount, haha..

dundundun

How the fuck could I not lose anything when I ate 620 calories yesterday? Water? Food still in my body? Damn. I hope it's disappearing because I have weigh in tomorrow.. I'm still really sick and I'm only having coffee this morning. Also my hair is falling off. I'm losing a crazy amount of hair and it sort of scares me.

Yesterday I ordered dietpills. They are supposed to raise my metabolism, give me energy and numb my hungerfeelings. They didn't cost that much so I'll try them and if they are useless I'll stop taking them.

And last night P and I were watching a horrormovie when the thing that holds the curtain fell off the wall. With the curtain and all. The things that attatched it to the wall also fell off, and P have been living here for almost 10 years. Do I have to tell you I almost shit my pants?

YEY!

I did not gain yesterday! Well, 0.2 kg but that's water and food still in my system, so I'm not going to count that as a gain. I was thinking I would gain at least a kilo, so I'm fine. Today it's back to soup and I'm really happy. I'm sort of craving soup? Maybe it's because I have a cold, haha. Still feel like shit but I had a good nights sleep.

My brothers girlfriend and I are sort of okay I think. It's not like it used to be, don't think we'll hang out or anything, atleast for a while, but we were fine talking. Even if it was kind of stiff..

Don't give in

Today's the crayfish thing so I'm saving my calories with only coffee and tea before we leave home. I can almost hear my throat say "THANK YOUUUU!" when the warm liquid goes through it. I had a really hard time going to sleep last night because of the soreness and the coughing. Like 20 minutes at a time followed by 20 minutes trying to fall back to sleep, so today I feel like a train wrack.

Well, I'm was down to 78.4 kg this morning. A 0.8 kg loss since yesterday. I really dont want to eat a shitload today, making me gain again.. I'll try to not overeat but since I cant work out my net will be higher than I'd like it to be anyway.

big shock.

This morning I was like wtf?! I had about 500 calories yesterday, and I've gained?! 0.2 kg! Maybe it's because the food's still in my body or water or what ever but it makes me feel like a fucking whale.

And I have to skip working out for a couple of days.. My throat's all sore and swollen, feels like I'm about to catch a cold. Hate being sick.. Good thing is after I had pnemonia my gag reflex is over the roof when I cough, haha. I'm really scared I'll get it back though.. I've never been that sick before, gee, I could not eat, sleep or anything for like 2 weeks.

I need a loss..

I really do. Got really sad yesterday because P called me fat. Well, he actually didn't say fat and were only joking but my mind told me he said I was fat, ugly and disgusting.. Gave him a hard time, and I'm still sort of upset. He didn't say it that way but I heard it that way, and that's what counts, you know?

I wont stop until its all gone

This morning I was 79.0 kgs = fucking normal BMI (again..)! No working out today, but I've been cleaning for a couple of hours and later this afternoon I'm doing laundry. Only eating 1 dl yoghurt (35), and 2 cups of soup (65 and 55) today makes it a good day anyway, huh? Hungry as hell and 3 hours left till the second soup.. Better get busy cleaning again so I dont eat anything I'll regret. I NEED to be below 79 tomorrow, getting further and further away from a overweight BMI..

And I forgot to tell you! Monday this week my adress changed to bf's place <3

back on track? Motivation's there anyway!

I'm 79.3, yey! Only 0.2 kg overweight (again). Happyface! I'm hungry as hell though, so I'm REALLY excited to try one of the new soups I bought today. I think it was like 55 calories/meal, but I'll have to wait a couple of hours for that. I really love going to the store, I could walk around there for hours trying to find the groceries with the lowest caloriecontent and I love to compare different brands. My life has to be really exciting, huh?

Diet goes on till friday. My parents are throwing a crayfish-party (in sweden it's tradition to do that every august) so I'll have to eat. I'll try to keep it thin though, eating some crayfish and some chicken (they are also having a bbc) with a lot of salad. I hope I'll lose some before that, so a gain wont throw me back another week - again.

monday

Another gain. I'm at 80.6, again, probably a lot of fluids but it does not make it okay.. So, this week I'll diet hard, still the soupdiet and next week I'll try my new diet, only eating things below 50 calories/100g. I dont think I'll need any roof on calories/day.

The wedding was beautiful, I felt pretty and people told me how less fat I looked. Ate sort of okay, but with all the alcohol it still was to many calories. Yesterday I ate really bad.. Kebab with fries(!!!!), nuts and cheesedoodles.. It's not a big surprise I'm still fucking fat.

People keep telling me I should be aware of anorexia, so maybe it's a good thing for this weightloss to slow down for a while. How the fuck can people be suspicious? I'm still fat! And I'm fine, you know..

ugh..

Sorry for not posting in a few days.. I've done horrible. Ate more sweets than I promised myself on thursday, and yesterday was a mess to.. Losing 0.1 kgs everyday for 3 days. Better than nothing? Definetly better than a gain! Today's the wedding which means I'm about to eat a shitload. Do I even have to tell you I'm not eating anything until the wedding-dinner?

Wont eat much there either I guess, since my bf is the bestman I will not be seated next to him. I already had a sneakpeak while helping them to get the place ready yesterday, so I know I'm seated at the kids-table (They didn't want kids at the party/dinner but one couple could not get a babsitter so their kids are coming). Sure, it's not really the kidstable but the only table with kids, and since I'm 10 years younger than the others.. I also asked her like 6 months ago to put me at a table were I atleast know someone, she told me sure and now I know I haven't even met ONE of the people at my table.. Fuck. I'm going to feel like such a freak and be all alone. Hello anxiety!

I'm not shy, I'm actually sort of outgoing but this really sucks. I'm actually thinking of calling P and tell him I'm sick.. Why the fuck couldn't she just have put me next to someone I know?! These people will think I'm fat and hate it more than I do.

broken record

Today was not a great day, but not horrible either.

1 dl diet yoghurt for breakfast (35 cal)
Tunasalad for lunch (~250 cal)
Pasta Carbonara for dinner (~400 cal)

Dinner was not planned, but at least I wont be hungry again tonight.. And I've spent 2 hours walking around downtown helping J find a gift for her bf. And almost an hour riding my bike downtown, to another friend, and back home again.

Tomorrow wont be that great either.. It's P's mothers birthday = there will be cake and stuff. I'm thinking no breakfast, no lunch and no dinner and have coffee, one small piece of cake and one small cookie (because I know I will have one) over there and making friday awesome.

And I feel a lot better today. Dont know how I'll feel about it tonight, but right now I can handle it.

ranting

Second post for today.. But I really need to talk to someone, and who would be better than you guys?

I've known my brothers girlfriend for 3 years, and she've become like a sister for me. That's what makes me so sad. We've become so fucking close during these years, seeing her more often than my brother. I really loved her like a sibling and then she turns around 180 degrees and starts acting like a stuck up bitch? I dont get it. I've lost one of my closest friends, and I dont have that many people that I really call friends.. And for what? I dont even know what made her change.

And the worst part is that my brother sides with her, without any thought. P sort of sides with her too, which makes the thong-thing a lot worse. He says he "understands" me, but that I should have said something to her because maybe "thats just the way she is", making it my fault? What?! And he even told me that I was right about when she started to scream (!!!) at me on the ship, but he did not defend me when it happened.. Why cant he side with me if he loves me? Not even when he say I did the right thing? Maybe if I was skinny he would. If I was skinny he would not like it if I was the one talking to other guys in a thong (right now he says he would not mind)..

I want nothing to do with her but I do not want to risk losing my brother at the same time. Yes, he've hurt me too but he was also the one supporting me the most when I started to talk about when I was molested. He've always supported me, the one crying when I tried to kill myself. The last person I thought would turn his back on me.

65 calorie intake today, and a 1 hour walk. Scale show me less than it did this morning. I love my scale and I love losing weight. It makes me happy and it numbs the pain.

not today, not tomorrow but someday

So yeah, took laxaties before I went to bed and the sentence this morning was a 2.3 kg gain. Not great but not that horrible either, I ate a LOT.. It's 1 pm in Sweden right now and I've only had coffee so far, and will have a cup-a-soup for dinner later, making this a 65 calorie day. I just remembered I'm about to have my period tomorrow making some of the gain possible waterweight? I just want this last ~20 kgs of my body. I want to be skinny, pretty and perfect. I will be skinny. Will be pretty and will be perfect. I'm going to show everyone that doubted my success that I can do this.

Talked to P last night, talked about the family issue and started to cry. He told me he's worried about me, because I cry so easily. He've got problems showing his emotions so he doesn't understand. I feel like shit, and I'm scared to death that this will continue. I've not been feeling this bad since I was 14, and I was really depressed back then. I dont want to die, but I dont really want to live either. But I know from my past that this will end. I will be happy and things will be better, I just have to hang in there.

back, but not on track..

So.. I'm back again! Home from vacation and thrown back a couple of weeks in weight.. I just got home and had a small weigh in, + 3.5 kg.. But I sort of just ate and I've not been able to go to the bathroom in a couple of days so I guess it's about 3 kgs that I've gained. Fuck. Back to overweight. I'll take laxies tonight and have a "official" weigh in tomorrow and changing my ticker. Starting tomorrow I'm on a liquid diet which means consuming 1-2 dl of diet yoghurt in the morning and 1 cupasoup for lunch and 1 for dinner. I'll also have diet soda, coffee and tea if I want. I'll do this hardcore till saturday, because I'm attending a wedding and I'll have to eat normal food. Then after that I'll continue with the food plan.

I feel shitty for gaining 3(?!?) fucking kilos in ONE fucking week. It's not a surprise because I've been eating a shitload of food and drinking a lot of alkohol (every day!!!). I actually think I've been drunk at some point every day, lol. Had real fun, even though we lived in a shitty house (with 2 other women 3 friday-sunday) that had a gigantic leak in the kitchen. I'm also pissed at my dad, and am seriously thinking of not talking to him anymore.

And I've loved my brothers girlfriend since they got together 3 years ago, now she's turned into a real bitch. I fucking hate her. Criticazing me all the time and walking around in, at first, a thong and a bra, and one evening even without the bra! WTF??!!?! Okay if she had some panties that covered her butt and a bra, because that would be like a bikini, but when she even took her bra off.. I do NOT like it when she stands infront of MY boyfriend, TALKING to him in only a  black lace THONG?! He didn't care but he admitted it was a little fucked up. I'm not the jealous type but that crossed my line.. Think this trip ruined our friendship pretty bad, and my brother's taking her side. He just tattoed "family comes first" on his chest, yeah right. Fuck them.

So. The trip was sort of not that great. I really liked meeting my grandpa for the first time since 2009 but I fucking hate my family. Cried my eyes out a couple of times.. I'm just so fucking sad, angry and disappointed. Think all the eating have brought me down too.. Losing weight makes me happy, I should just continue with that.

I've missed you all so much.