fasting + award

I'm eating less than my body's getting rid of, yet I'm gaining fast. I guess it's liquid but I feel like hitting my head into a wall. I'm doing a liquid fast today (second one theis week, yey!) with proteinshakes. Because I'm too fat to eat anything. I'll go to the gym and burn all this disgusting fat off my body.

And the award: When receiving it, you have to promote the person who gave it to you by putting their link in your post. (Thank you sammy!)

When you've done that, you have to tell us about 11 things about yourself and answer the 11 questions that you were asked. Nominate 11 people to do this, and make them answer your 11 own questions. Last thing you'll have to do, is going on their blogs and tell them they are nominated.

My 11 things:
1. I hate myself. I'm a horrible person and I dont understand how I can have any friends. I'm so negative, angry and bitchy all the time. If I didn't have to be with me, I'd leave.
2. I love P so much, but I still have feelings for a guy I used to date. I dont want to be with that guy, but I still lose my breath when I see him. And this is the first time I'm telling someone.
3. I could easily turn into an alcoholic. I crave alcohol at least once a day. That's why I dont drink that often.
4. I got stomachproblems, and I'm afraid it's something really bad. Sometimes I imagine dying from it, and sometimes it doesn't even bother me that I die.
5. I was sexually abused when I was 8. He was really close to me, almost like a second father because he and his wife took care of me and my brother when our parents worked. That really fucked me up.
6. That's why me and my brother is so close. I told him when I was 12, and I've never seen him that angry again. Hate and tears in his eyes while he said "I'll kill him if he touch you again".
7. It also made me fucked up sexually. I've never had sex with someone because I wanted to, it was always to hurt myself. For punishment.
8. I've had sex with one of my best friends ex-boyfriend. They we're together when it happened. We were 14 and I would never, ever do that today.
9. My dreamguy is dark-haired with brown eyes. But I've always been fallen for blonde guys with blue eyes.
10. The only thing I like about myself is my eyes. They're too small, but I love the color.
11. I always manage to kill our flowers.

Sammys questions:
1. Where were you on the night of yesterday?
Home in by bed.
2. Describe your sexual orientation
I'm straight. Women are beautiful, but I dont get turned on.
3.What turns you on?
Being held by a couple of strong arms.
4. What turns you off?
Talk during sex or when they go on and on about how cool/rich/what ever they are.
6. What are your views on incest?
Not okay. Especially when it's kids involved. Between adults? Well they're adults.
7. Coffee?
Somedays I love coffee and sometimes it taste like crap.
8. You are injected with something that makes you so hypersexual you are attracted to every gender and need to have sex like right now; what do you do?
I'd help myself out, haha.
9. What would you do if your Father was Satan?
I've acutally had really bad problems with my dad growing up. We're still not more than okay. (if you meen father like dad and not like god or anything)
10. Did you once think your nipples were weird or is it just me?
I still do..
11. How many times have you worn the same bra/underwear/boxers whatever for more than one day?
Underpants I change every day, but bra.. I wash mine tooooo rarely..

I nominate:
Jen, Klaudia and Sammy (at least, do my 11 questions!). I don't have 11 people to nominate..

Your questions:
1. What is the most happy moment in your life?
2. If you could choose between being happy about your weight right now or continue to strive for skinny, what would you choose?
3. If you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your lives, what would it be?
4. What's your favourite day of the week?
5. How do the man/woman of your dreams look like?
6. What country are you living in?
7. If you could work with whatever you want, what would you do?
8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
9. What's your biggest fear?
10. How do you feel about aspartame and things like that?
11. Do you have a rolemodel? If yes, tell us about him/her!

Fasting

I was 72.6 this morning, but with both food in my stomach and a insanly high intake of salt, I guess it's a little lower. Anyway. Fasting today (except for a splash of milk in my tea and some lemonjuice in my water) to redeem. I also went to the gym burning 1500 kalories, so tomorrow I will se a loss. Hopefully a big one. The energy is the only upside of eating like I never would see food again. Or was it my PWO? Anyway, I could just keep going at the gym all day.

I love mondays. P goes, for the most of the time, out with his co-workers on mondays which leavs me home alone until 9pm. That means I can eat what ever I want, or simply skip eating. I'm not even hungry today, but my body is sort of upset. One minute I'm freeeeezing and suddenly I'm warm as a whale. My face is insanely red.

I went out saturday. Did haschish (I dont even know if that's what you call it) even though I six years ago promised myself to never ever do it again. I took two small whiffs and I almost didn't feel anything. It could've been the nicotine effect from the tobacco. I'm so ashamed and I cant understand how I could be so stupid. I'm beating myself up so badly about this and I didn't even get high. And I'm superparanoid as fuck and hesitates about posting this.

and it keeps going good.

I've been sticking to my limit of 1200 kalories all weekend for the first time in a looong time. I gained 0.3 kg (still lost 2.6kg last week), but I guess it's because the food's still in my body.

Went to the gym (-561) today and I've only had oatmeal and a proteinshake (368).

Other than that? Nothing is happening in my life. I'm fucking boring.

Still here

Monday I started counting calories again, and it's going fine. This morning I'd lost 2.4kgs, I'm "only" 1.7 kgs from 69.9, woho! Bought a new pair of workout shoes for the gym today, that I'll start to use when I'm less than 70kgs. My old ones is like 2 years old, and well.. I've been going to the gym a lot since I started to lose weight.

I'm hungry as hell, but I'm motivated as fuck.

out of control

I'm home alone. P's out drinking with his friends. I'm so incredibly lonely. I've been down all day. Went to the kitchen when P made lunch, and I didn't even set my foot in there before he asked me to leave. I know it's because our kitchen is really small, and he didn't know how I felt, but it made things worse. I tried to talk to him like an hour before he left. About how I feel. He grabbed my boob and said "feel better now?". I know it was ment as a joke, and he didn't meen to hurt me, but he did. I feel like I could die and noone would care.

And that's what's scaring me the most. I'm thinking about death again. Not like I did before, I stopped wanting to kill myself when I was.. 15? But it's like I cant decide if I want to live or if i just dont care. I'm so scared I will fall down into myself again. I was there for so long and it was really hard to get happy again. I wanted to die for so long, I've hated myself for so long.. I never stopped having these "attacks", it feels like I'm going to explode from the inside because it hurts so much, but they are coming more often. I dont want to be depressed.

I want to hurt myself to let some steam out. I cant. It's impossible to hide. I want to stop eating but I cant. Other people would notice but the real problem is I keep ruin it for myself. I don't deserve to be happy. Or am I just scared of being happy? I don't know.

It's just one of those days.

Guess who weigh 1.3lbs less than yesterday?

THAT'S RIGHT, I am! 159lbs, that's nice for a fat girl.

I got another seminar today, so I better spend this morning studying. I have not decided if I'll go to the gym today or not. I might go when I'm done with the examination. Anyway, I'm not having breakfast, thats's for sure! Lunch and dinner I've not decided on yet. I'll have to eat both.

another wednesday

A couple of good days. A bad day. A couple of good days and a crappy weekend. This shit make my weight end up +/- 0. But I think I've lost a little weight since I got back to the gym. I think I look a liiiiittle less like a fat pig and I've got some of my lost musclemass back on. Yey for muscle momory! Yesterday I introduced my parents to the gym. Apparently I'm an inspiration even though I've gained some of the weight back. On the other hand, they are both really overweight so maybe it's not that strange.

Today I've eaten (it's 4 pm) a big bowl of yoghurt with some stuff in. I'd say it contained 350 calories. Probably less, but I rather count it as a little more. I also went to the gym. Walking for like an hour to get there and then home again, ran 35 minutes on the treadmill and did 30 minutes of weights plus 20 minutes of stretching. 1000 calories of this body, MHMMMM! I got bad hungerpains when I was walking home, but they passed before I got home. I'm still a little hungry, so I made tea for "lunch" (yes. at 4 pm). I'll have to eat something for dinner later, but that's okay.

I actually had to google how to spell wednesday (to be sure I did it right, and I did!). Wikipedia said it's the fourth day of the week, and I was like, wtf? It took me a few seconds before I remembered USA (and maybe other countrys too?) start their calanderweeks with sunday. Sweden start it with monday, döööhööö (with"ö" it's a more funny way to pronounce "duh"). Anyway. The point is: what an ugly spelling. W E D N E S D A Y.

And I might have cheated at collage.. We're doing a groupthing and we might have done something that's not allowed, without even thinking it could be cheating. Someone in our class decided to tell our professor (what are we, in high school?) because she heard another group did the same thing and now it's chaos in my class.. Half of us is really against it, and half of us is like "you don't even know what these people were doing". Funny think, that girl that snitched say she didn't care. MHM, RIGHT. And they are basicly saying that the people who did this are worthless, and then they say that these people should stand up for themselves?! Made me lose a little hope for humanity.. And YES, we're behavior science students. Why care about researching facts, make a good social climate and not judge others? Our last course was about this and we have done 2 out of 3 years! YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS (Yes, I'm yelling Sammy! ;) ) YOU STUPID BITCH.

I dont think it's a big deal since it doesnt really effect our grade (that's why we didn't think it would be cheating), but if it is a big deal, I could be suspended for a minimum of 2 months.. CHAOS guys. If the teacher asks us about this we just have to explain (that girl said she didn't name anyone when she talked to the teacher, so I guess our teacher will talk to everyone).

We're examinated on how we're leading a professional conversation and how good we are at active listening. We, in my group, talked about our papers that were up for discussion, before the actual seminar. The content of the papers is irrelevant during the seminar (and we couldn't change them when we talked, because we've already handed them in) so I dont really see the harm in talking about it.

Long ranting post.. I applaud you guys if you read all the way here.

I'm ending this post with some thinspiration. I hate this girl but she's got a great body (just a little too untoned).. And YES that was her halloween "costume" that she posted on her blog and went out drinking in..

bah

I'm doing really bad. I wanted to redeem myself after the cruise, but I think I'm getting sick or something, because my energylevel is like zero. Today's the worst day yet, I was supposed to do 1 hour on the treadmill, I could handle 25 until I had to stop. I had to run intervals because I could only run 2 minutes without stopping and my pulse was in the roof! Tried lifting weights, but after 20 minutes of doing reaaaaaally bad I decided to go home. I almost didn't hade the energy to walk the 2.5 km home. It took me 45 minutes.. And I ate a HUGE breakfast, so it was not because some lack of nutrition. It's like 650 kalories burned. I guess I've been eating around that too.

Had fun at the cruise. Ate and drank like a fat pig, but I had fun. We had sun almost the entire trip but it was like 0*C in Helsinki so it was pretty cold.

That went well..

I've been eating totally fucked up.. And that's why I havn't been posting. I forgot to tell you that I were going to lunch with P's mom last thursday, so I ate even more shitty.. I've been working out though! Friday I spent 50 minutes on the treadmill (intervalls) and 30 min with weights. Monday I spent 65 min on treadmill (intervalls) and 30 min dumbbells and yesterday I did 25 minutes running om the treadmill, 30 min working these legs and 16 km walking around outside. This morning I was  160.5 lbs. I'm doing 50 min on the treadmill today and 30 min working my core.

Since were going on a cruise friday-sunday, I'll work out monday-thursday this week. I'll not have the time on friday. I've promised myself to eat well until friday too, which I'm doing. At least if you look at the calories, yesterday I had 4 sandwiches (3 with 28% fat butter and 10%cheese, 1 with 2 eggs) and 3 "balls" of (light) icecream. Lost 0.5kg!

It's 8 am over here so I better get started with my paper!

another day

I am so hungry it's insane. Plan: no breakfast and tons of water before I go to lunch. I'll run to, and probably from, the gym, no other cardio while there and doing core for 30 minutes. What else can I do on this day of stress? I've got lunch 11.15am, and then I'm meeting up with my brothers' girlfriend at 4pm and I wont be back home until 8.30pm. And I need to read a book for school too.

And hey, I'm 160.5lbs today. Time for a PWO and getting dressed!

Kind of a rant

So. I've just stopped following a few blogs. More than half of all the blogs I used to read either had been inactive since 2011/early 2012 or, as most of them, deleted. Especially one of those who has deleted her blog, Alana, made me really sad. Her blog had been inactive for a while but shutting down her blog.. It's so.. final, you know? We got kind of close and she and eve were really supportive to me when I first started this blog. Made me happy when I felt like shit and I care about them so much, even though I have like zero contact with them.

But this was not supposed to be a sad post. I've done great today. Eating that breakfast, a medium sushi and an orange, been walking for 1.5 hour, doing the elliptical for 30 minutes, killing my legs at the gym for 20 minutes and strech for 15. I started to strech in june/july-something and my flexibility has increased with like 100%. I'm proud as hell, haha.

Ugh.. My mom just called. Invited me to lunch with her and dad tomorrow. At some pasta-buffet-place. I hope they have a whole lot of salad.. Saturday P and I are celebrating my birthday with my friends and next weekend we're going on a friday-sunday cruise with my brother and his girlfriend. So easy losing weight! Or not.. If I go to the gym as I plan, I should be sort of fine though. Burning 1000 calories a day should balance at least b-dayparty and lunch this week? I hate eating while I'm drunk so I hope to keep the eatingcalories to a minimum..

Now I'm off painting my nails! Take care!
(and if anyone have a great blog to recommend, dont hesitate!)

get your act together

I did sort of good yesterday. Grandma decided to make me dinner too, but I ate in moderation and I'm now 161.5 lbs. I guess some of the weight yesterday was waterweight.

I'll soon be leaving for school and I just had a breakfast of 400 (probably 300something, did not weigh it) calories. I'll walk that of to and from class. I also plann to go to the gym today (OMG arms so sore from yesterday). I'm thinking skipping lunch means I get sushi for dinner. Sushi is my new addiction, haha.

Klaudia: Yeah, you should absolutly start your own blog, and you HAVE to give me the url!

Kitty: Thank you hun, been missing you <3

I'm back, hopefully..

Hi.
This time I will try to really be back on here. It's really helping me losing weight, because when I stopped blogging, things went south.. So I've decided to start over. I'm back at about 163 lbs right now and I feel so incredibly fat. I took new "before" photos today but my official weigh in will be on fridays.

Today wont be a perfect start since I turned 21 last thursday and I'm going to my grandma's today with cake since she didn't come to my birthdaycelebration with the family yesterday. But I have not eaten yet today and  I dont know if I will eat more than the cake and a couple of cookies I made. I've already been to the gym today so I'll probably be fine.

I'm still with P, life's good and my body wierd (stomach's fucked up and weightloss really slow. I can fast without losing almost anything).

Funny..

I'm going on a wedding in like an hour.. All my fucking clothes are too small. I just want to cry. Hello blog. Hello starving. From tomorrow, it's yoghurt for breakfast and dinner, salad for lunch and a fruit as a snack in the evening.

I just want to die. I've ruined everything. All my hard work. I cant cry because it would ruin my make up.

this will be a good day

Ednos Linny told me I could get the old blogger back, and I succeeded so now it's working again.

Anyway, I just got back from a 5k run. I need to start doing it everyday again. I eat pretty good, you know, healthy and all, but too much food combined with too little working out has made me gain. I wont start starving again, but I will eat less and work out like I should. 1000 calories seems like a great goal. I'll start drinking water like it's my job. Will be hard to do at my actual job, because we dont really have access to a bathroom that often.. I'll have to figure that one out.

I just realized I have a red birthmark on my arm. I'm freaking out right now, thinking it might be cancer. My grandmother has cancer (not severe or anything, but she've getting some removed) so I guess it could run i the family. I guess I'll have to get that one checked some day if it doesn't disappear.

I was thinking I should get back on here. But since they remade the design of blogger I want to puke. On explorer, I cant write anything, but on chrome I only see half of the page (reason for lack of headline). Annoying as fuck.

I'm alive, anyway. Fat as fuck, but alive. I'm back at 158. Maintaining in the weeks, but gaining in the weekends. Today I started counting calories again. I need to get skinny. I got new clothes for this summer which was a bit too small, now they are crazy too small. I'm working all summer though, so I guess I wont really need them.. I help old/disabled people out in their homes and with all the bicycleriding between their homes/helping them clean/cook/what ever I actually burn some calories. I get hungry as fuck though.. But I'm about to change my pattern, stay strong and get skinny. Hell yeah.

Did I tell you I've become intolerant to sugar? I react sort of like when you cant have dairy; stomach ache, gets a stomach that seriously makes me look pregnant, a neeeeeed to go to the bathroom and I start sweat like a pig. It's awesome because I have to avoid it (supernice when the old ones are offering sweets) but it's hard because it's sugar in almost everything. I had some dressing saturday which made my evening with P and his friends a living hell. I'm glad it's only the white (don't know about brown, though) one. I can have the ones that's in diary and fruit and I would seriously die without fruit. Been eating it like it's my job.

I miss you guys.

I got myself a tumblr, for a new beginning. If anyone of you guys want the url, just ask.

WTF

I'm fucking it up. Gaining back what I lost this past week.  Made an appointment with my doctor, for checking my stomach.

I will be back on track.
You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit! You aren't defeated when you lose, your only defeated when you quit!

...

This is going to hell. Yesterday was a total binge and gave me a really angry stomach. Keept on binging anyway. Today I'd gained 0.8 kgs, right back to 67.4 kg. Yesterday went good til I went to a birthdaycelebration at F's place for her doughter whos turning 2. Binged on cake, made my stomach angry. again. Ended up invited to a "grown-up" birthdayparty tonight but since I need a bathroom near me right now I had to cancel.. Alcohol would probably make my stomach worse and contains a hell of a lot of calories, but I really feel like I should start doing things on the weekends.. Ugh.. I have to see a doctor about my stomach. Hurts so bad I almost start crying as soon as I eat anything else than my dietfoods.. Yesterday I even binged on real food, so I should not have been getting any problems.

I'll be really busy at school from now on. 9am-4pm, 3 times a week, leaving me to work out at the gym twice a week.. It sucks, but I have to go running the rest of the week and I'll probably be fine anyway.

I kind of hate my life today.

Day 2

IN: 404
Breakfast: coffee - 0 cal
Lunch: proteinbar & orange - 227 cal
Dinner: yoghurt & 2 sandwiches - 175 cal
Snack: tea with milk - 2 cal
OUT: 758 (just from walking for 2.5 hours)
NET: - 354 calories

Day 1.

I decided not to do SGD but something the 10 day challenge until the 4th of May. I dont want to eat just so I hit a targetintake, I just want to keep it low. I'm aiming for 2 l of water, below 500 calories and at least an hour of exercise every day. I hit all these yesterday:
Breakfast: coffee - 0 cal
Lunch: proteinshake with milk - 121 cal
Dinner: white fish with broccoli, lettuce and cottage cheese - 253 cal
Snack: tea and 7 sugarfree candypieces - 45 cal
Workout: running and weights - 494 cal
Net: -75 calories

Scale said 69.9 yesterday morning. Do I have to tell you I wanted to shoot myself? I dont want to be in the 70's again.. Today I was 68.2 though. Safe. Also got my new diet/pwo-pills today. Maybe they'll help pushing me in the right direction..

New beginning

Hi guys. I dont know how many of you thats still on, but I guess I'm going to find out. I think I'm back. Been bingeing all easter, gaining 2 more kg (scale said 69.1 this morning. lot's of liquid, but what ever).  It's no need for you to be horrified about my weight. I know it's not 6 kgs of fat, a lot of it is musclemass. But yeah, most of it is fat.. Fat that I want to get rid of. Tomorrow it will be 24 days until I'll go to London with my family. I want to lose as much as possible 'till then. I'm thinking of doing a shorter version of The Skinny Girl Diet. I want to be counting calories again. I need to.

I've been getting these stomachaches from white sugar lately, so it's easy to escape from sweets since I think I'm allergic. Working out is a routine nowadays so that wont be a problem either. Portionsize and dicipline is another question.. I guess I'll have to confess here everyday so I'm sticking to my plans.

Hi.

I binged yesterday. And the day before. Yesterday I ate so much candy I ended up in the bathroom puking, without even trying. I think my body just had enough of all the crap I shoved down my throut. I'm on my period so I dont know my weight. Scale said 66 kg, but it's both food and water. Got 3 birthday-celebrations this week, but I'll try to make up for them. I want to get down to 60 AND get fit. It's going to be a lot of hard work, but I got a really nice motivationboost last night for some reason. Well, I dont complain. I'll go to the gym later, but first I have to study for a while.

Went to a little get-together saturday. Havn't seen the guests for a while and they were all like "How thin you've become! Good job". Ate so much I felt sick, so I went home after a while but P stayed. When he got home he told me whey were worried about me. Himself included. Like, for real worried. They even asked him if he took care of me good enough. What the fuck? I'm not even skinny yet.

I'll try to be on more. I miss you guys <3

this is whats up

It's been a while. Nothing but ordinary now a days.. Scale said 65.3 this morning, same as friday, even though it's monday. Anyway. I've got today off, because I did the exam last friday and the new class doesn't start untill tomorrow. How am I spending it? Working out. The challenge of today is 4 hours, 3 times. I've done 2.45 hours, and 2 times already. A powerwalk of an hour, 45 minute walk to the gym and spending an hour there. Burned 1011 calories and it's not even 3 pm yet. I'm doing a fitnessgame on the Xbox Kinect later.

Food's going great today too. A (healthy) sandwich with cottage cheese (180cal) for breakfast and coleslaw and a proteinshake (197cal) for lunch. I'll make white fish and mashed cauliflower for dinner and I might have an orange for snacking later. I've been aiming for a intake of below 1000 calories and burning at least 300 calories a day (those days I dont really have time for a workout). I'm getting healthier, trying not to skip meals and I think I got a better way of viewing myself. Mostly, I'm focusing more on working out than eating.

be calm or get the fuck out.

I went to a new hairdresser today. Paid more than 50 % less than I did at my old one. I also got a discount. The male hairdresser seemed to be flirting with me, but I dont know if it was to make me a regular or because I am hot. Because I am hot. Period. A little fat, but still gorgeous. It's a huge difference in the attention I get now and the attention (I did not) get when I was fat. I can not decide if I want to post a picture or not. Well, I do want to, but what if anyone I know come across this blog?

I was still 64.4 this morning.

Doing better

Scale said 64.4 this morning, a 1.9 kg loss since yesterday morning. Ate 150 calories and burned almost 800 calories, I just needed a great start. Today I've been eating 280 calories and still have dinner left. I guess it will be about 300 calories, but it's okay. I've burned 500 calories at the gym so I'm not going to sweat that. I love restricting, love the feeling of a low intake and energylevel.

Friday will be hard.. F asked me if I'd like to have dinner and go out for drinks. Havn't seen her in a while and I miss her. We'll probably be at my place so I can try to make something pretty low cal, but not odd, suggestions? Anyway, I wont eat before that and I will hit the gym. It will probably not be that much alcohol, so I might get away relatively fine with that.

And I dont know what to do about J. Today she had a friend of hers (who I HATE, and she knows it) come to the gym and a) sit and wait while we were working out (not stressful at all, huh?!) and b) she asked me if I could drive them to J when we were done (nice doing it in front of her!!!!! I dont want to be a bitch and were giving J a ride anyway, so I could'nt say no). And she just gets on my nerves. Her gym membership is expiring in like a month I think - thank god - but until then I just have to cope.. I still love her, but I think we need a break. I think I'm getting on her nerves as well, and maybe that's why she've become this strange. Odd thing is she doesn't seem to realize we're having problems because I cant even go for a walk alone without her asking, a bit accusive, why I didn't call her. Like, sometimes it's nice being alone..

...

Hey guys. Sorry I've not been reading or commenting your blogs. I've got a shitload of stuff to do at school right now and my energy has been real low. Weight sucks but tomorrow I'm starting to follow a foodplan again, with 38 days until it's my 1-year-diet-anniversery. I want to be 60 by then, so it's about 6 kilos that I have to lose. It will be hard because I got 3 people's birthdays coming up and valentines..

Still a little ill, but tomorrow I'll hit the gym. I want this off. Now.

whats up

I gained 4.2 kgs during my vacation. I lost 1 of them pretty quickly, like a day or so, but the rest is stuck. But you see, 5 days after we got home I got a cold wich I suspect makes me retain water. I'm starting too feel better now, but I got my period yesterday, so yey for more retaining! Ugh.. Yesterday I was 65.8, this morning I was 66.3. I had 1200 calories yesterday and can not gain 0.5 kg off that. I decided to increase my intake to 800-1000 while I'm ill, hoping to get well sooner, because I've been really ill. Cant wait to get back to the gym, even though J still wants to go with me.. Right before we left,  told her I'd lost more weight and you know what she said? "You will gain it back during your trip anyway". Like what the fuck?! How bitchy doesn't that sound?! And now she decided to weigh less than me, when I go faster on the treadmill, she do to. I dont get why she sees this as a competition? Okay if it was a friendly one, but she just comes off as really aggressive..

Anyway. I wont post the progress pic. It doesnt feel right when I got fat again. I didnt even want to post before I was at least below 65 again. I dont feel that bad about gaining while we were away, it's the not losing since we got back that sucks.

63.6

63.6 kg, scale said this morning. Un-fucking-beliveable. I'll probably fuck it up today though.. No working out and it's 3 pm, and I'm already up to almost 400 calories.. I hope I dont eat more than 700 calories today but my body's craving stuff. Since 5 pm yesterday untill I ate lunch at 12 today I got really dizzy everytime I got up from a chair. I went to the grocerystore and I felt reaaally weak in there. Bought some dried apples and ate 2 before I even could drive home. So, it's not strange I feel like I should eat something, because after I ate lunch the dizzyness was gone. I got A LOT to do before we leave and I dont got the time to be dizzy. I have been sleeping like 8 hours these past couple of nights to.

The other day I lay down on the couch, on the side, and P asked me if I was sucking it in. And you know what? I did not. GAH, I just hope I dont have a week-long binge next week..

Yey!

I'm 64.0 kgs girls!!!!!! It's creepy how much a 1 kg loss can do! 1 kg now is much more of me than when I was 90+.. And it means 4 fucking kg to my ugw! I even think I can be satisfied at that point. I can already look at myself in the mirror and, though I'm not completely satisfied, not hate what I see. I can definetly see how P's able to find me attractive. I dont have to make an effort to make my ribs show, it's a hint of them all the time. Today I even noticed I almost can see my "chest bones". I dont know what their called but I hope you understand me. Collarbones have been showing for a while and I can sort of see my hipbones. My BMI is 20!

Downside on this 33(!!!!) kg loss is I got some loose skin.. It's not that noticable, I'm not like a bat or anything, but if you know where to look it looks horrible. My arms still look fat, but when I press them against the side of my body, I can see it's not that much fat left. My strechmarks are far less noticable though, which makes me really happy. I'm scared as fuck about maintaining later on.. Finding a balance you know.. And I'm scared on going away. We leave like 4 am this Saturday, and I'm scared of gaining and becoming a whale.. WE'RE GOING ALL INCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!

.. I'm taking a progress picture this Friday, and I will probably post it side by side with my before pic.

miss you guys

Friday - sunday was bad for my bootcamp. I was 66.3 kgs today when I woke up, but 65.4 kgs before I hit the shower after the gym and a longer visit in the bathroom. But I think I'm skinnier. I think all the food helped me build up some muscle?

I have not been eating today and I'm planning on having fishballs tonight which is 170 calories, and nothing else. I'm doing some hardcore restriction through out this week until friday night, when we'll have pizza. I cant wait till we leave, and my goal is getting below 65 kgs until then and I will bring work out clothes with me. I'm so freaking stressed out right now. I got a LOT to do at school before we leave, and I'd like to clean the apartment, do the laundry and a lot of home-spa things.

I should read your blogs and comment. I've been really bad at that for a while..

Starving

In: yoghurt (40), cottagecheese with quorn (128) and oatmeal (84). (total of 252 kcal)
Out: 727 kcal (gym and some walking)
I might allow myself a little fruitsalad later this evening. My period's killing me with binging! Yesterday landed on 1500-2000 calories and scale said 66.0 kg this morning.. All because of my awesome little period <3 Had some frozen chocolatecake leftovers from new years.. But I guess it could be because I ate both food and a couple of cookies at F's.. Second day of my bootcamp and I fuck up. Thank you motivation for making today a better day!

Do you want to know what I hate? When people criticize me for something and then go do the same thing themselves. Like J.. GGGGOOOOOODDDDDDD she drives me crazy right now. Totally hanging out to much! Anyway. She's always nagging me about not having breakfast. Last monday she told me she only had coffee, I told her "that's not breakfast", like she ALWAYS tells me, and she said "What ever, it's lunch soon anyway". Then she told me she didn't eat before starting to drink on new years, she always tell me it's reeeeeally important. Made me fucking pissed.

It's a new year!

Morning weight was 66.4 (and I've got my period) and now my 12-day-bootcamp starts for real. It's past 5 pm over here and I've been ingesting a cup of coffee and water. I've worked off 600 calories at the gym and I will have a salad for dinner. I'm hungry as fuck, but as you all know (and Moss said) "Nothing taste as good as skinny feels". I want to drop so much these 12 days, I want to be gorgeous at our vacation. I want P not to be able to take his eyes off me. I want to be thinner.

Yeah, and my new years eve sort of sucked. Really boring people and I did not fit in.. 2 guys hit on me, and I think one of them is gay. Guy #1 sat with me and P, talking, and knowing P and I are a couple, still he could not take his eyes off my boobs.. P noticed it too, but said it doesn't matter because that guy's REALLY ugly and fat. Guy #2 said his evening became 4 times better when I came, and that was the first thing he said to me. Wierd. Didn't have any snacks, so.. yay for that!

I got sooo much to do right now. Took christmas off, even though I actually had to study. Next 12 days? Working out, studying and not eating.