I'm home alone. P's out drinking with his friends. I'm so incredibly lonely. I've been down all day. Went to the kitchen when P made lunch, and I didn't even set my foot in there before he asked me to leave. I know it's because our kitchen is really small, and he didn't know how I felt, but it made things worse. I tried to talk to him like an hour before he left. About how I feel. He grabbed my boob and said "feel better now?". I know it was ment as a joke, and he didn't meen to hurt me, but he did. I feel like I could die and noone would care.
And that's what's scaring me the most. I'm thinking about death again. Not like I did before, I stopped wanting to kill myself when I was.. 15? But it's like I cant decide if I want to live or if i just dont care. I'm so scared I will fall down into myself again. I was there for so long and it was really hard to get happy again. I wanted to die for so long, I've hated myself for so long.. I never stopped having these "attacks", it feels like I'm going to explode from the inside because it hurts so much, but they are coming more often. I dont want to be depressed.
I want to hurt myself to let some steam out. I cant. It's impossible to hide. I want to stop eating but I cant. Other people would notice but the real problem is I keep ruin it for myself. I don't deserve to be happy. Or am I just scared of being happy? I don't know.
It's just one of those days.
he would definitely care, babe. P is with you for a reason. i would care too. you're gorgeous, babe.
ReplyDeletei know what those attacks are. im one of the happiest people in this world but sometimes, i have these episodes where everything is bleak and i just wanna die. i've been feeling pretty depressed lately too so that's just a plus (haha not).
one of those days. you took the words right out of my mouth.
-Sam Lupin
im really happy you're posting to be honest.
ReplyDeletealso, babe, this hurts me to read these things. i have these episodes sometimes where the world seems bleak and all i want to do is fall asleep. im in one of them. i dont think one's lasted this long. it's like a dull depression to be honest where i can't sleep at all.
one of those days. precisely.
this post makes me feel sad. im sure that P would care. i would care if you would off yourself. a lot of people would babe. no person is that insignificant.
i know to you it feels like certain things that you feel are stupid too kinda get to you. like even the littlest thing might est you off. at least i feel that way sometimes.
hang in there, babe. :) and stay strong (appropriate meaning here).
-Sam Lupin
boys are stupid!
ReplyDeletethey rarely think about what their words mean to us..
And you do deserve to be happy - you just need to be open to it..
hope you are feeling better by now hon <3