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No update yesterday so here's for catching up:
Monday went almost like I planned, hade a sandwich too which got my intake to 250 calories.
Tuesday appeared without a loss. Hade 500 calories with a 250 calorie "workout". Had too study and hung out with J for 3 hours, watched a movie with P.

Today the scale said a 0.4 kg loss (I'm back to 74 kg) and I actually did an actual work out. Did it at home so I dont really know the calories burned, but I guess it's like 250. I know it's really great for my metabolism so I keep my fingers crossed for another loss tomorrow. It should come true because all I've shoved inside my mouth yet is water and it's 2 pm. Thinking a cup a soup (50 cals) tonight before we're going groceryshopping (=burn some more calories).

Tomorrow I have class at 1 pm so I'll move my but to the gym before it. Have to study some more (have been doing that all morning) so I got the time. That will be fine. I know I wont have the time/energy to go to the gym everyday now when I'm back at school, not every week anyway, but I've made a promise to myself to at least go once a week. This week has been horrible, but I'll try to make the next one better.

Maybe I should put some coffee on and hit the shower before getting back into schoolwork. I'll read and comment your blogs later.

A little bit of a rant

It was a gain again this morning, surprise!, of 0.8 kg. Still lost 2.1 kg in a week so I dont have to panic even though I'm sort of pissed about it. Only ate what I ate at dinner, but I did clean my plates.. I'm back on track today, it's 2 pm and I've only had black coffee and I'm not even hungry. A salad for dinner tonight will de fine. I wont be able to work out today either so a 200 calorie intake sounds allright.

My feets still hurts if I run, my calves still hurts and the weather is to shitty for me wanting to go for a walk. Yep. I was also going back to collage today, so I'm tired from lack of sleep anyway. Had a real hard time going to sleep last night and I woke and tried to go back to sleep for like an hour. Not that smart to get up at noon yesterday.. Got a lot to read till thursday so I better start reading it today. I'm happy about going back though, 3 months of nothing makes me want to be busy and stressed out, lol.

Changed my car insurance today. Found another company that provided an insurence for HALF what the other company took. And it's a 45$ difference/month!

My scale and I are no longer friends.

Scale say 73.5 kg today. A 0.6 gain from yesterday. But I'm not really surprised because I ate a FUCK of a lot, I went into "binge mood" at the birthdayparty. I was so fucking disgusting, ate and ate and ate, and I didn't even WANT the stuff I was shoving in my mouth. I had to eat the 2 cupcakes that was left, even though I didn't even like the first one.. Ugh.. It was a 2000+ calorie day..

Cant really make up for it today either. Birthday dinner this afternoon with P's relatives. I'm having coffee for brunch making this dinner the only thing I'll eat today. And I wont have alcohol, diet coke will be my best friend today. I'll try to eat as little as possible too, but P's relative is paying so I cant leave that much without being rude..

Well.. It's 1 pm in Sweden and we're supposed to be at the restaurant at 4, so I better get in the shower and get ready to go.

Partyparty

Scale said 72.9 this morning = 3,5 kg loss since MONDAY. Thats 5 days! Yesterday was not that good.. I ate sort of fine, stuck to my plan except for 2 plums and too little exercise. My feet started to hurt at the gym so I only did 10 minutes of cardio instead of 30.. In total, the day ended at like +200 calories. I'm happy because I really craved an apple last night and I didn't eat one.

The reason I "cheated" and had plums, was because I sat in the sun, only chugging coffee and after 3 hours I started to feel sick and was sweating like a pig. I could barely rise and my vision was all black all the time. J sort of forced me to eat someting.. All last night my vision was all strange. It went black for 6-7 seconds once and I had to hold on to the door everytime I did get up from the couch, only so I would not fall in to a pile of fat on the floor.

Today is fine so far. Had 2 eggwhites for breakfast, and an apple for lunch (160 calories) and I will have a salad for dinner (200, tops!) and then it's only boose left. The vodka I'm bringing is 513 calories.  I'll mix it with Fanta zero. Dont know how much I'll drink from it, dont know how much my body can handle when I'm not eating much. If I drink all of it I'll probably end at 1000 calories, it isn't that bad, right?

73.8

Dont get me wrong, I'm really happy about this, but it have to be some water weight or something that's coming off too? Is it even possible too lose 2.6 kg in 4 days? I dont belive my scale right now. And I'm really afraid of the weekend.. Both Saturday and Sunday I'm invited to birthdayparty's. Saturday with alcohol and sunday with food. I cant gain!

Yesterday I had about 100 calories. Fucking awesome. Burned like 700. Today will be a litte higher.. Thinking breakfast (40) and dinner (36), at least -500 at the gym which leaves some room for some fridaysnacking with P. Will probably be popcorn which I can allow myself with a good conscience.

Discipline is remembering what you want

I just got back from the gym. Burned 500 calories. Scale said 74.7 kg before I left. Only 4.8 kg until I reach one of my goal weights, I will probaby cry when I go below 70. I've eaten 35 calories from the 1 dl yoghurt I had for breakfast. Planning on having some magical nudles for lunch and maybe having some of them for dinner (14 cal/100 g) if I'm hungry. I want to stay below 500, would be awesome with a net that's -.

Yesterday went awesome. I notied I said my breakfast was 75 calories, but it was 75 GRAMS and 39 calories. Lunch was ~350 calories and that was all I ate. Burned a little more than 300 from walking/riding my bike and a little more from vacuming the apartment (+doing the laundry). Mom and I decided to have salad for lunch which is awesome, and I ate about half before I was full. On salad for god's sake.

My mom asked about my weight, said I wasn't fat and that I didn't need to lose anymore. Told her I wasn't satisfied yet and she was all "Oh, lose a couple more and you'll be fine". Told her I want to get below 70. Told P I want to get below 70. When I've lost 5 more kgs I have to start sneeking. Pretending to eat a lot more than I do, cause people is starting to get worried. 70 means a BMI of 22, and the "optimal" weight for my height so I can get away with that. I want to get down to 60 which is a BMI of 19, and the lowest I should weigh to still be in a "healthy" BMI. I think I want to be somewhere between 60 and 65, but I just have to see what my body looks like.

I want to be able to do that. I'm on my way. My legs no longer rub together when I run. 

todays plan

I ended up having almost 800 calories yesterday.. Felt bad because the 300 cals I had in the evening were all from snacking. 1 candybar (108), 4 fibrechips (92) and 2 plums (61).. I'm disgusting. Still a loss this morning, anyway. Scale say 75.0 kg, and I cant even remember when i weighed this "little" the last time. I was like 75.5 when P and I met 2 years ago, but I had more muscles so I were skinnier.

Going out for lunch with my mom today, dont know where we'll eat yet. I had 2 eggwhites (75) for breakfast so the intake will be okay. My body's all sore so I wont go to the gym today, I'll just take the ~30 min walk to my moms job and back home again as todays work out. I'm also cleaning and doing laundry tonight.

I'm glad you came

Morning weight: 75.7 kg. Yey! Had a small cinnamon bun yesterday, but that was also everything. Felt like shit in the evening though, like I was going to puke and I was shaking. Sort of scared me.

Today I had a piece of cake (176 cals) and dinner at F's place (357 cals). Not great but not that bad either, I went to the gym too burning 332 on the elliptical and doing some hard core strength training for 35 minutes. P and I are going groceryshopping tonight as well (=a lot of walking around).

I think my diet pills keeps my hunger away. When I take them It's like I could go all day without food. Do I even have to tell you I love them? Gives me a HELL OF A LOT energy as well.

One day closer

New week

Had the hamburger, fries and popcorn yesterday. ~1200 calories I guess. My weight's still 76.4, and it have been like that for almost a week now, since wednesday? Got to get my shit together again. Today I'll drink water and have a 50 cal soup for dinner. I'll leave for the gym in an hour or so, running my as off.

angry ranting

Ugh.. Had a hamburger with fries today (hangover-day..), it's like 800 calories and the only thing I'm eating today. I was 76.5 this morning, 0.5 kg gain since yesterday. I hope it's okay tomorrow at my official weigh in.. I'll have my "real" period next week so I might gain some waterweight.

And I'm pissed. I visited a website where a girl was all "H&M's new model is too skinny, she'll give our children eatingdisorders with her legs that look like they're going to break". I told her that she should do some reading on ed's because you dont get it from seeing a skinny girl on TV, and she goes on and on about some bull shit that's not even true or logical. She says models get ana from the media. Say what? They have to stay skinny to keep their jobs and are told negative things about their weight like all the time, it's a totally different thing! And she say plus sized models are normal and healthy, wtf?!

Why do people always prefer 10 kgs too much than 10 kgs less? Why is it so wrong to be skinny? I've still got a long way to go but people are already trying to tell me that I should quit losing weight now, that I'm beautiful and not fat. I dont want to be chubby, I want to be skinny! The hard thing is that I'll have to cover it up soon.. If people are getting worried I cant keep telling them I'm dieting. Got 6 more kgs that I can tell people I want to lose, that is safe and still normal. Fuck.

76.0..

.. is what my scale said this morning (kg, that is). Tomorrow it will be.. probably 77.. I've had breakfast (40), lunch (300?) and cookies (300?) and we're going out for dinner with some friends tonight. I'll probably have alcohol = 543633524 calories. Hell yeah.. I think I'll only have soup tomorrow..

yesterday I ended up having 700-800 calories. A hot dog + bun, melon and popcorn. Not THAT bad (and a 0.2 kg loss). I've been fucking up all week.. I'll make next week better, at least untill the weekend. I'll have lunch with mom one day, but I'll try to make it a salad or something, and then I'm invited to a birthdayparty (food+drinks) on saturday and a birthdaydinner sunday. This week I've eaten out almost everyday..

Time to prepare for dinner and I hope you guys do better than me..

falling down to get up

I was to ashamed to post when I got home yesterday.. 1500 calories. 2 meals and A LOT of sweets.. I was at my grandma's and she is really nice and all but ALWAYS keep shoving food inside everyone.. And I only walked off like 200 calories, but the scale yesterday says 76.2, same number as yesterday morning. I do not have to panic or even feel bad, I only have to make today better.. I wont eat all day, and have a little melon tonight as a snack/dinner thing. And maybe a carrot too, if I get too hungry.

I'm about to take my vitamins and pills, get dressed and go to the gym. I'll take my car because the weather's really shitty, and I'm visiting F when I'm done working out. She lives on the other side of town and do not want to ride my bike in the rain, especially when I've just been sick.

wednesday

I did not have the time to post yesterday, hang out with J all day, playing cards, lol. Had 500 calories and the only work out I did was going groceryshopping for 45 minutes.

Today I've not been eating anything yet, but I'm going for lunch with P's mom (OMG!!!) later. I just got back from an 1 hour power walk (my legs are all sore from mondays work out) and I'm riding my bike down town where I'm about to meet her.

And I LOVE my new dietpills!

So this is how it's going

Scale said 77.4 kgs this morning. I'm not that happy about my progresspics but I'm posting them anyway.

This was april, I could not even button them.

This is today. A couple of kg more and they are too big.

Now I'm about to take my new dietpills and birthcontrol and then I'll go to the gym. I'm really excited to see how my pysical condition is after almost 2 weeks of lazyness (well sickness).

Hello hair

This is like 10 strokes with my hairbrush, and my hair only goes to my sholders and I dont even have a lot of hair. AND this is after a week of taking my vitamins so it has been worse, haha. I shouldn't have been so stupid not taking my vitamins..

And I feel like shit. I think I'm about to have an anxietyattack.. Have. to. calm. down. Relax Mia. None of your misstakes ruin everything, you can lose this weight again. It just sucks that it will take a little longer.. I'm trying to think about something else, but I feel fucking useless. It feels like I could puke any minute = I wont shove anything else down my throat tonight.

I hate this I hate this I hate this

Sunday

I've gained more.. 77.3 is what my scale told me this morning. I'm so fucking stupid. And keeps eating today. Ugh.. It's 6 pm and I've had 700 calories today. Fatty. Tomorrow I'll start taking my diet pills and I'm well enough to go to the gym. Have to go get my car checked tomorrow at 7 am, ugh..

Had fun yesterday though, had like 1500 calories. Woke up with a hangover. I'm too fucking ashamed to write more than this.. I feel like crap, and I just have to make tomorrow better.

Datenight

Ended up eating out and both do bowling and catch a movie, "Horrible bosses" and it was quite fun. I usually dont laugh at movies but this one made me laugh a lot. And yeah.. Had about 2000 calories yesterday, and I was sooooo full, but I didn't feel bad about it. Still dont. I guess it's because P and I really needed a date and I tried making healthy options (except for dessert, lol). I had chicken, fries (not that great but I didn't eat that many either), sauce, white chocolatemousse, alcohol and popcorn + like 300 calories during the day.

Scale say 77 kgs this morning, when we left yesterday it was 76.5.. But I guess thats mostly food + liquid and I'm not eating untill dinner tonight. Will probably do about 2000 calories today as well but sunday I will make awesome. We're eating taco tonight (me and F) and I'm planning on having mostly sallad. I'm so excited!

And I saw one of my old best friends at the cinema yesterday. It's a guy and he was there with his girlfriend. I saw that he saw me and recognized me, but he tried to make it look like he didn't. What the fuck? We haven't really been friends and talking for like 4 years but that's not because we had a fight or anything (sort of grew apart and he moved out of town). It's not like I wanted to talk for 5 hours, but a nodd or anything telling me "hi" would have been kind.. Fucking asshole. He dated F like 5 years ago, so I cant wait to tell her about this tonight. Fucking asshole (yes, again!).

Friday

Hello. A 0.2 kg gain from yesterday, which actually is a loss because I have food in my system this time. How big of a loss I dont know. Scale say 76.7 and I only see fatfatfat. P is also trying to lose weight, but in a healthy way (and not that much), and we were talking in bed last night about food and such and he said that I have to be careful so I dont get an ED and that he likes my body the way it is. Even though I'm not overweight I'm still fat, or at least really chubby. Why does everyone keep telling me to stay fat? My mom told me it was enough if I lost 20 kgs, which I have now and I'm only halfway.

So. Today P and I are going to have "a day off" and hang out. He's been working all his "vacation" except when we were visiting my relatives. We're going to look for new curtainthings to the livingroom (since our old fell down, lol) and later tonight we're eating out and probably going bowling or catching a movie.

Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend. We're cooking dinner ourselves = I can make it low cal, so it's only the alcohol I need to worry about. And I probably need to worry about that.. Not eating all day before? I should probably do that today too, but I've already had 65 calories and I'm still hungry.

another loss

Took laxatives yesterday. They sort of didn't work. I hate my stomach. I had two and they almost only gave me cramps.. I could feel I wasn't even done in there when it stopped coming. I use it like once a month so it's not that I'm getting used to it. This morning I was 76.5, though, made me happy (and I know it sort of doesn't count because I laxed). The last three days I've lost 0.5 kgs a day, and that's pretty awesome. I'm afraid I wont be able to keep it up, I will be so dissapointed when it stop!

I got my period again yesterday. Yes, 1,5 week since it ended last time. I'm on the pill so it came in the middle of the chart, for the third (!!!) time in 6 months. I've been on it for like 5 years now and this have NEVER happened before.. Freaks me out. It's normal to have once in a while but it cant be normal having it all the freaking time?!

What a great day

Lost another 0.4 kg, which mean I've lost 1 kg in 2 days! I feel awesome and the 280 calories I had yesterday was totally worth it. I love my new diet. I love that it's low cal and I love eating real food again (even if it's mostly veggies). I'm hungry and sort of wants to binge (glad we dont have any real bingefood at home) so I'm going to make myself some tea.

Yes, this is my third post today

I got my dietpills today.. P looked at them and said it's classified as dope(!!). You know, the dope athletes use, and it even say "Dont use these if you're a competing athlete" on the bottle, haha! It's still legal though, only not if you're a serious athlete (which I'm not). Now he's trying to talk me in to not using them, but I have 100 of them (you take 'em 1-2 times a day) and I wont throw them away. I also ordered magic noodles, which swell in your stomach and make you full for a really long time (and only 14 cals/100g!).

Now I just want to get well so I can try my new pills. Dont think I'll need any extra energy while I'm still on the coutch all day.. And that extra kick on the gym.. IIIIH!!!!!

And I tried some clothes before we left for the store, and even though it was like 2 weeks since I tried them on they all were kind of loose! A lot looser than they were 2 weeks ago! Maybe my weightloss did not show that much on the scale, but on my body.. DAMN. I'm happyhappyhappy! And 5 monthes ago I could not get my favorite jeans over my thighs, but now they're sort of too big, I think I would fit better in a smaller size!

Now I remember!

I was looking at some blogs when some thinspo came up and i rememberd the last thing I wanted to tell you this morning. This is my dream stomach. If mine was flat like these three I would be truely happy.

And I love you guys. You are amazing, allways making me feel a lot better when I'm down and cheers with me when I'm happy. I feel closer to you than many of my irl friends. I really appreciate that you're all there for me. All the time. I felt that I had to share that with you, haha <3

YEY!

I've lost 0.6 kg since yesterday, wohoo! I only have 0.3 kg till I'm down 20 kgs, do I even have to tell you I'm happy? I'm thinking of posting a "before" and "during" picture, so you can see my progress now when I'm halfway there. I only have too see what the new pic looks like next week, haha.

I'm starting to recover from my cold. I hope to get back to the gym next week.

And there was something else I was about to tell you, but I forgot what it was, haha!

Change of plans

P and I are going groceryshopping tomorrow, and while writing down everything I'm about to buy I realized I'd like to change my "50-diet". I can eat how much of all the things which is less than 50 cals/100g a day (well, in moderation) BUT I'm also allowed to eat things over 50 cals/100g but then I only can eat an amount worth 50 cals of it. Like if something's 100 cals/100g I can eat 50 g. I will keep it below 1000 calories a day, but I prefer 600-ish.

It's 7 pm and I've been eating 280 calories this far.

Slow and all

I'm down to 78.2 kg. Not much but it means I'm down 19 kgs. Every gram lost counts and ends up being a huge result. A bit disappointed that my low calorie intake doesn't make me lose faster.. I hope my new pills (left the store today and probably gets here in a couple of days) can help me get even lower. Everything over 500 calories seems like a huge amount, haha..

dundundun

How the fuck could I not lose anything when I ate 620 calories yesterday? Water? Food still in my body? Damn. I hope it's disappearing because I have weigh in tomorrow.. I'm still really sick and I'm only having coffee this morning. Also my hair is falling off. I'm losing a crazy amount of hair and it sort of scares me.

Yesterday I ordered dietpills. They are supposed to raise my metabolism, give me energy and numb my hungerfeelings. They didn't cost that much so I'll try them and if they are useless I'll stop taking them.

And last night P and I were watching a horrormovie when the thing that holds the curtain fell off the wall. With the curtain and all. The things that attatched it to the wall also fell off, and P have been living here for almost 10 years. Do I have to tell you I almost shit my pants?

YEY!

I did not gain yesterday! Well, 0.2 kg but that's water and food still in my system, so I'm not going to count that as a gain. I was thinking I would gain at least a kilo, so I'm fine. Today it's back to soup and I'm really happy. I'm sort of craving soup? Maybe it's because I have a cold, haha. Still feel like shit but I had a good nights sleep.

My brothers girlfriend and I are sort of okay I think. It's not like it used to be, don't think we'll hang out or anything, atleast for a while, but we were fine talking. Even if it was kind of stiff..

Don't give in

Today's the crayfish thing so I'm saving my calories with only coffee and tea before we leave home. I can almost hear my throat say "THANK YOUUUU!" when the warm liquid goes through it. I had a really hard time going to sleep last night because of the soreness and the coughing. Like 20 minutes at a time followed by 20 minutes trying to fall back to sleep, so today I feel like a train wrack.

Well, I'm was down to 78.4 kg this morning. A 0.8 kg loss since yesterday. I really dont want to eat a shitload today, making me gain again.. I'll try to not overeat but since I cant work out my net will be higher than I'd like it to be anyway.

big shock.

This morning I was like wtf?! I had about 500 calories yesterday, and I've gained?! 0.2 kg! Maybe it's because the food's still in my body or water or what ever but it makes me feel like a fucking whale.

And I have to skip working out for a couple of days.. My throat's all sore and swollen, feels like I'm about to catch a cold. Hate being sick.. Good thing is after I had pnemonia my gag reflex is over the roof when I cough, haha. I'm really scared I'll get it back though.. I've never been that sick before, gee, I could not eat, sleep or anything for like 2 weeks.

I need a loss..

I really do. Got really sad yesterday because P called me fat. Well, he actually didn't say fat and were only joking but my mind told me he said I was fat, ugly and disgusting.. Gave him a hard time, and I'm still sort of upset. He didn't say it that way but I heard it that way, and that's what counts, you know?

I wont stop until its all gone

This morning I was 79.0 kgs = fucking normal BMI (again..)! No working out today, but I've been cleaning for a couple of hours and later this afternoon I'm doing laundry. Only eating 1 dl yoghurt (35), and 2 cups of soup (65 and 55) today makes it a good day anyway, huh? Hungry as hell and 3 hours left till the second soup.. Better get busy cleaning again so I dont eat anything I'll regret. I NEED to be below 79 tomorrow, getting further and further away from a overweight BMI..

And I forgot to tell you! Monday this week my adress changed to bf's place <3

back on track? Motivation's there anyway!

I'm 79.3, yey! Only 0.2 kg overweight (again). Happyface! I'm hungry as hell though, so I'm REALLY excited to try one of the new soups I bought today. I think it was like 55 calories/meal, but I'll have to wait a couple of hours for that. I really love going to the store, I could walk around there for hours trying to find the groceries with the lowest caloriecontent and I love to compare different brands. My life has to be really exciting, huh?

Diet goes on till friday. My parents are throwing a crayfish-party (in sweden it's tradition to do that every august) so I'll have to eat. I'll try to keep it thin though, eating some crayfish and some chicken (they are also having a bbc) with a lot of salad. I hope I'll lose some before that, so a gain wont throw me back another week - again.

monday

Another gain. I'm at 80.6, again, probably a lot of fluids but it does not make it okay.. So, this week I'll diet hard, still the soupdiet and next week I'll try my new diet, only eating things below 50 calories/100g. I dont think I'll need any roof on calories/day.

The wedding was beautiful, I felt pretty and people told me how less fat I looked. Ate sort of okay, but with all the alcohol it still was to many calories. Yesterday I ate really bad.. Kebab with fries(!!!!), nuts and cheesedoodles.. It's not a big surprise I'm still fucking fat.

People keep telling me I should be aware of anorexia, so maybe it's a good thing for this weightloss to slow down for a while. How the fuck can people be suspicious? I'm still fat! And I'm fine, you know..