ugh..

Sorry for not posting in a few days.. I've done horrible. Ate more sweets than I promised myself on thursday, and yesterday was a mess to.. Losing 0.1 kgs everyday for 3 days. Better than nothing? Definetly better than a gain! Today's the wedding which means I'm about to eat a shitload. Do I even have to tell you I'm not eating anything until the wedding-dinner?

Wont eat much there either I guess, since my bf is the bestman I will not be seated next to him. I already had a sneakpeak while helping them to get the place ready yesterday, so I know I'm seated at the kids-table (They didn't want kids at the party/dinner but one couple could not get a babsitter so their kids are coming). Sure, it's not really the kidstable but the only table with kids, and since I'm 10 years younger than the others.. I also asked her like 6 months ago to put me at a table were I atleast know someone, she told me sure and now I know I haven't even met ONE of the people at my table.. Fuck. I'm going to feel like such a freak and be all alone. Hello anxiety!

I'm not shy, I'm actually sort of outgoing but this really sucks. I'm actually thinking of calling P and tell him I'm sick.. Why the fuck couldn't she just have put me next to someone I know?! These people will think I'm fat and hate it more than I do.

broken record

Today was not a great day, but not horrible either.

1 dl diet yoghurt for breakfast (35 cal)
Tunasalad for lunch (~250 cal)
Pasta Carbonara for dinner (~400 cal)

Dinner was not planned, but at least I wont be hungry again tonight.. And I've spent 2 hours walking around downtown helping J find a gift for her bf. And almost an hour riding my bike downtown, to another friend, and back home again.

Tomorrow wont be that great either.. It's P's mothers birthday = there will be cake and stuff. I'm thinking no breakfast, no lunch and no dinner and have coffee, one small piece of cake and one small cookie (because I know I will have one) over there and making friday awesome.

And I feel a lot better today. Dont know how I'll feel about it tonight, but right now I can handle it.

ranting

Second post for today.. But I really need to talk to someone, and who would be better than you guys?

I've known my brothers girlfriend for 3 years, and she've become like a sister for me. That's what makes me so sad. We've become so fucking close during these years, seeing her more often than my brother. I really loved her like a sibling and then she turns around 180 degrees and starts acting like a stuck up bitch? I dont get it. I've lost one of my closest friends, and I dont have that many people that I really call friends.. And for what? I dont even know what made her change.

And the worst part is that my brother sides with her, without any thought. P sort of sides with her too, which makes the thong-thing a lot worse. He says he "understands" me, but that I should have said something to her because maybe "thats just the way she is", making it my fault? What?! And he even told me that I was right about when she started to scream (!!!) at me on the ship, but he did not defend me when it happened.. Why cant he side with me if he loves me? Not even when he say I did the right thing? Maybe if I was skinny he would. If I was skinny he would not like it if I was the one talking to other guys in a thong (right now he says he would not mind)..

I want nothing to do with her but I do not want to risk losing my brother at the same time. Yes, he've hurt me too but he was also the one supporting me the most when I started to talk about when I was molested. He've always supported me, the one crying when I tried to kill myself. The last person I thought would turn his back on me.

65 calorie intake today, and a 1 hour walk. Scale show me less than it did this morning. I love my scale and I love losing weight. It makes me happy and it numbs the pain.

not today, not tomorrow but someday

So yeah, took laxaties before I went to bed and the sentence this morning was a 2.3 kg gain. Not great but not that horrible either, I ate a LOT.. It's 1 pm in Sweden right now and I've only had coffee so far, and will have a cup-a-soup for dinner later, making this a 65 calorie day. I just remembered I'm about to have my period tomorrow making some of the gain possible waterweight? I just want this last ~20 kgs of my body. I want to be skinny, pretty and perfect. I will be skinny. Will be pretty and will be perfect. I'm going to show everyone that doubted my success that I can do this.

Talked to P last night, talked about the family issue and started to cry. He told me he's worried about me, because I cry so easily. He've got problems showing his emotions so he doesn't understand. I feel like shit, and I'm scared to death that this will continue. I've not been feeling this bad since I was 14, and I was really depressed back then. I dont want to die, but I dont really want to live either. But I know from my past that this will end. I will be happy and things will be better, I just have to hang in there.

back, but not on track..

So.. I'm back again! Home from vacation and thrown back a couple of weeks in weight.. I just got home and had a small weigh in, + 3.5 kg.. But I sort of just ate and I've not been able to go to the bathroom in a couple of days so I guess it's about 3 kgs that I've gained. Fuck. Back to overweight. I'll take laxies tonight and have a "official" weigh in tomorrow and changing my ticker. Starting tomorrow I'm on a liquid diet which means consuming 1-2 dl of diet yoghurt in the morning and 1 cupasoup for lunch and 1 for dinner. I'll also have diet soda, coffee and tea if I want. I'll do this hardcore till saturday, because I'm attending a wedding and I'll have to eat normal food. Then after that I'll continue with the food plan.

I feel shitty for gaining 3(?!?) fucking kilos in ONE fucking week. It's not a surprise because I've been eating a shitload of food and drinking a lot of alkohol (every day!!!). I actually think I've been drunk at some point every day, lol. Had real fun, even though we lived in a shitty house (with 2 other women 3 friday-sunday) that had a gigantic leak in the kitchen. I'm also pissed at my dad, and am seriously thinking of not talking to him anymore.

And I've loved my brothers girlfriend since they got together 3 years ago, now she's turned into a real bitch. I fucking hate her. Criticazing me all the time and walking around in, at first, a thong and a bra, and one evening even without the bra! WTF??!!?! Okay if she had some panties that covered her butt and a bra, because that would be like a bikini, but when she even took her bra off.. I do NOT like it when she stands infront of MY boyfriend, TALKING to him in only a  black lace THONG?! He didn't care but he admitted it was a little fucked up. I'm not the jealous type but that crossed my line.. Think this trip ruined our friendship pretty bad, and my brother's taking her side. He just tattoed "family comes first" on his chest, yeah right. Fuck them.

So. The trip was sort of not that great. I really liked meeting my grandpa for the first time since 2009 but I fucking hate my family. Cried my eyes out a couple of times.. I'm just so fucking sad, angry and disappointed. Think all the eating have brought me down too.. Losing weight makes me happy, I should just continue with that.

I've missed you all so much.

BMI:24.97 = normalweight!

Hello guys! Today my scale finally tells me I'm no longer overweight. Yey! Wont change the ticker though, because I'll probably gain on my vacation. Made a deal with Astrid not to gain weight on our vacations, I hope it'll help me think twice when I eat something, but I'm not stupid. I will gain, if only a little. So. We're leaving our apartment in 3,5 hours and I dont know when I'll be able to blog again. I'm home next sunday.

Tried all my old clothes yesterday. They. all. fit. A couple of things were a liiiiiittle to tight and giving me huge lovehandles, but I could button them without any effort and I could not do that 2-3 weeks ago. And I still want to be able to do that in a week.. But I can do that, right? As I said earlier I'm bringing work out clothes, and if I have to eat more than I should, I will exercise more than I'm doing at home.

Have a wonderful week guys, and thank you for being amazing!

busybusy

So..  had no problem leaving food yesterday because I got full superfast. Had to eat a little more only because I felt like 7 bites was not enough, I was not eating alone you know.. I've gained 0.4 kg but on the other hand I've still got the food in my body.

Today I'm thinking popcorn tonight and nothing during the day. P is away and gets home like in the morning (bachelorparty) so I can eat what I want, or.. dont eat what I dont want, lol. I guess I will overeat a bit tomorrow (buffé..) so I'll restrict today. Maybe it'll make me wake up with a normal BMI tomorrow, making me not want to overeat?

The gym opens in like 10 minutes so I'm about to go there. It's 9 am on a saturday and I've been up since 7. I love working out in the morning and when I'm done I have to pack, do some home spa-ing, do the dishes and.. guess thats it.

Have a beautiful day!

this is why you should not give up

*drumroll* I AM BELOW 80! I'm fucking 79.2! I weighted myself last night and I was 79.7. I almost cried, I actually had tears in my eyes. I'm so happy! And proud! I've lost 18 kg in 4 months. The down side is, I'm 0.1 kg away from a normal BMI. WTF?! 0.1, you have to be fucking kidding me!

Today I'll have coffe all day, because it seems like we're eating chinese food for dinner so I better save all my calories. Dont want a gain first thing I do.. Todays mission will be to not eat the whole thing, with a maximum of half. I've got a problem to stop before my plate is clean.. That's why I hate it when someone else gives me food. Thank god P almost everytime gives me less than he gives himself.

I'm off to read your blogs, have a wonderful day guys!

same old stupid plateau

I wont begin with my weight today. Instead I want to tell you something. Sometimes I dont answer your comments and suck on commenting your blogs, and sometimes it just seems that way.. I think I'm fucking retarded or something because when I comment, I get thrown to the top of the page and forget about that little box with letters that some of you have when I comment.. It's happening like 60 % of the time.

Well. My scale says 80.0 kg this morning. It's a loss of 0.4 since yesterday (if I'm not getting senile too) but I'm really disappointed. I wanted to be 79.9. I did good yesterday though, went walking/running for like an hour and only had dinner (400 cal, probably only 300 but I rather overestimate). Today I'll be walking downtown to buy the last few things I need for our trip and aiming for a salad for lunch.

Fingers crossed I'm below 80 tomorrow, right guys?

making this better than yesterday

A gain again. 0.3 kgs. I'm on this stupid platau thing between 176 and 178 lbs and it feels like I've been on it for ages. I will succeed today. I'm cleaning our apartment, going running and doing laundry - I dont have time to shove food in my mouth all day.

I felt like shit when I got off the scale this morning, but after reading your blogs I felt a lot better. You have progressed, so can I. You have set backs, but you rise again and so will I. We are strong and able to reach all our goals. We're in the same boat and are able to help each other.

And you know what? If it was easy everyone would do it.

another bad day. I'll do better tomorrow

Hi guys. I fucked up today. Had lunch, cake, dinner and cake.. When I got back home I went for a walk burning 300 calories, so I hope it saves the day and I wont gain.. I did clean my old room today and I hope I burned some by doing that too. Tried to eat small portions and I made the last cake contain a little less calories by using whole grain crackers and less fat philadelphia cheese. Stayed late at my parents, so I could not skipp that damn dinner..

Tomorrow I will have dinner, with mostly salad and I'll go running too. I WILL stick too it.

hungry girl

I've lost 0.6 kg since yesterday morning. In 0.2 kg I'm where I was at friday morning. Todays foodplan is lunch at my moms and.. well thats it. P forgot to take his lunchbox with him this morning so he can eat it tonight instead and if I stay late at my parents house I can do the I-ate-there/I'll-eat-when-I-get-home-thing.

Lunch will be perfect today because I'm already super-hungry..

I'm sorry!

I apologize for my absence, but I've been busy eating.. This weekend I've been eating like a fat ass, and this morning I'd gained 1 kg since friday morning. Right now, it's just 0.5 kg (with clothes) so I dont know.. Got a lot of food in my body too. Done a lot of walking friday and saturday, so I gained like all of it yesterday. Horrible.

Today I was back on track, had an amazing workout but fucked up on food in the afternoon.. Like 500 calories, so it's no real emergency. I'll eat a lot of salad and only a little bit of dinner making it a good day anyway. Visited a friend today, her mom said I look a lot skinnier, "like you're disappearing".

 My next "official" weigh in will be at sunday instead of monday next week because I'm leaving Sweden and wont have a scale. Wont be able to blog next week either, I will not be able to sit in private with a computer.. I'm thinking of doing a work out scheduale (lol, I really suck at spelling and P'll be home any minute so I dont have any time to check it) for next week, I think it would help my motivation while I'm on vacation.

He's home now, got to go! I'll read and comment later!

hungry girl

Yey! I'm down another 0.4 kg today! And I am fucking hungry. I have to save all my calories though, cause I have a bachelorette party to attend in like 2 hours (= lunch, dinner and lots of alcohol). I'm so hungry it feels like I'm going to be sick, lol. We'll move around a lot, so I hope I'll burn some of the calories off.

We're going to a spa today. I have to wear a bikini. I'm not ready to were a bikini yet..

madface

When I weigh in this morning I had gained 0.2 kg.. Got pissed and dissapointed but then I realised I had lost 0.8, not gained 0.2. Lol.

Had a great day yesterday. Screwed it up a little in the evening with some beer and some (unplanned) food, but I burned enough calories yesterday (like 550?) that it didn't matter. It's easier for me to not eat when I'm at a friends house, but only as long as they dont ask me twice..

I hate my neighbour. It was wednesday yestarday and he had a party.. At 3 am I got dressed and hung over the balcony shounting until they got outside. Asked if they could turn the music down, and they did. Only problem was than they moved outside to the balcony, screaming, for another hour. Fucking retarded. Fine if it's on a weekend, but in the middle of the week? Hell no. And I have really bad temper in the morning..

Back on track

I felt SO much better after working out yesterday. All bad thoughts simply vanished. I were out walking/running for 50 min and felt like a new person. Maybe I should do that when I feel like a total failure instead of laying on the couch getting fatter. I will lose this weight.

I havn't eaten anything yet today. I'll have some lunch soon (P's in the kitchen making it) but as he wants to lose some weight too, it will be pretty healthy. He actually commented my eating habits a minute ago, asked if I wanted lunch, I said yes and then he said "I never know because it's not like you're eating every meal". Eh. Okay? What the fuck does he know about that? I always eat when someones around (except for breakfast, that I sleep through)..

I love it when people tells me I look skinnier. I'm proud when they ask me how much I've lost. Now I can look at myself in the mirror without getting disgusted because now my body is "under construction". I'm moving away from fat, getting beautiful on the outside. And if it was easy - everyone would do it.

sigh..

I'm sort of in a gaining phase, apparently. It doesn't even seem to matter how small amount of food I poison my body with. Havn't been doing any work out stuff since friday, though. Lazy fat girl. I'm going for a run right after this. When I get back home I'll read and comment, I've been giving priority to getting fat.

I've got 3 kg to "normal" BMI right now. How did this happen? I'm breaking this shit right now. I've got less than 2 weeks left until I leave for my relatives, I'm going to have a normal BMI until then. I'll eat lots of salad and cup a soups. A small amount of dinner and lots of exercise.

Need to go outside and clear my mind.

bad day

Yesterday went pretty well under the circumstances. Had some yoghurt, a salad and some alcohol. I took my bike down town (there was a festival in my city) burning about 200 calories and some other activities with P when we got home.. I'd gained 0.2 kg since friday morning when I weighed in this morning. Right now (like a pizza and 2 doughnuts later) I've gained 2 kg.. I hope it's gone tomorrow at weigh in. Fuck. I just want to cry right now..

I had fun yesterday though and today was sort of a fattydag because I'm hangover. Thats not okay but done is done. I'm going for a run tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better and I have to forgive myself for ruining the day. This will slow me down but it's not all for nothing. I hate this.

Binge..

Gained 0.4 since yesterday.. Stupid bitch.. Why do I keep thinking "it doesn't matter"? Watched a movie with P eating myself to fat again, ended up crying (without him noticing) when it was all gone. Had over 2000 calories and I wanted to purge but since P was home.. Fuck.

Yesterdays intake:
bowl of yoghurt
3 (!!) hotdogs
cookie
dinner (breakfast and dinner would've been fine)
100 g cheese doodles
100 g chocolate
bowl of ice cream

So.. I'm about to read your blogs, that would cheer me up!