New week

Long time, no see, again! Scale wa 68.7 this morning.. Almost a 1 kg gain this weekend. Today it's back too the gym and restricting my calories again. Even though people told me at the party saturday "You're not on a diet anymore, huh? You dont need too lose anymore weight".. Yeah, like they know what I need. I need to be 60 kg, thin and beautiful. I want to be counting calories.

So tired

Sorry for my absence but it's been so much right now. Weight has been 68.6 everyday except for this morning when it was 68.0. Of course is today the day when I had planned a day-cruise with J. Ate a baguette with cheese and salami on the bus, and a buffet for lunch. Ate so much that I actually thought I was going to be sick. I'm not eating anything else today and hope for a kind number tomorrow.

I dont even think anything has happened these past days.. Studying and shopping. I can fit into a US size 6.. At least on the higher part of my body (stupid hips) and it actually looks good. I dont know how because I'm fat. Yes, you heared me. I'm fat and exhausted and I really need to study more and work out and eat less and smile more and be more perfect.

It's been 1,5 week since I was at the gym.. Mostly because my body still hurts, I think it's in my joints? I dont have the time to get there before monday, but monday I'll be back. I'll work out once and see if my pain gets any worse. If it doesn't I'm good to go again. I always gets so sad when I dont work out nowadays. At least I've walked around a lot doing my shopping, lol.

And I should really get better on commenting your blogs.

Bad weekend

Morning weight: 68.6 kg. Not a huge gain, even though I ate a lot this weekend. Things solved itself with P, he asked me if I wanted to come with him to the grocery store and on the way over there I told him it was a really stupid thing to say.. He didn't understand, but it made me calm down. Sam and Kitty, words are not enough. Love you both and thank you for pulling me together <3

I really need to get back to restricting.

I dont want this

I'm currently in the bedroom. I was in the kitchen, making tea, when P took some yoghurt and a couple of crackers. So I wanted to eat. I took a tablespoon and shoved it in the applesauce my granny did yesterday and he says "why dont you just eat candy? That is probably containing just as much calories". Great way too go P, do you want me to starve? And you know.. He is not stupid, asking me about how much I've eaten when he gets home, telling me I dont have too lose anymore, that he's worried.. And then he say things like that? Must be horrible to be with someone like me. Fat, ugly, boring and disgusting.

And this day started really good. Weight was 67.9. Turned my exam in, (ate chinesefood) booked our trip (changed it too 1 week instead) and went to F. One of her daughters (1,5 years) loves me, she can say 3 things really good and thats "mom", "dad" and "Mia", so you get the picture. The other one's 5 months so she doesnt even understand who I am. Anyway, the oldest one got really happy when I came, wanted to sit in my lap all the time and was around me all day. I was really happy when I came home one hour ago and now I'm in here with tears in my eyes. Fucking great.

I want to hurt myself and never eat again. Sleep and never wake up, it's like dying without the commitment.

Cause you had a bad day

My knee is really, really bad today. Hurt a lot so I decided to skip the gym and walk to school instead. Finished my exam after class and walked to my grandma.. That means a shitton of food. When I got there she was in the restaurant eating, and asked if I wanted food or if I'd ate. I told her I ate at school (even though I did not) and she asked me if I was lying?!?! And I'm a great lier! She wanted to at least buy me coffee and made me buy something sweet too.. Then we had more coffee and a cinnamon bun, one piece of her spongecake and like 20 grams of chocolate. Then she asked me to stay for dinner, serving pancakes. Fucking awesome, Mia. Walked off about 400 calories so fingers crossed I wont gain.

Scale said 68.1 this morning. And I've got cravings. You wanna know what I crave? Yoghurt. It's 35 calories/100 g and I could die for it. Not get fat for it though, not worth it.

Let's do this

Hi guys.
Scale said 68.4 kg this morning. A 0.1 kg gain.. Later on, and after I hit the gym, I was 67.9 kg. I'm so happy to see some movement on that damn scale. Can't wait till I'm 60 kgs. Wont be satisfied though, I think. Too much fat on me left. Won't be gone in 8 kgs.

My knee hurts, so I couldn't push myself to the limit, making my gymsession a -500 calories. My bad knee was all warm when I got off the treadmill.. I hope the pain's gone soon, because I've had it for more than 48 hours by now. Can't get hurt badly right now, I need to be able too move around (and going to the gym). I've eaten.. 600? calories today. Not counting and it feels okay. No it doesn't.. I ate too much dinner. It was tasty though, and I managed to eat slow, took me half an hour too get through the meal. And it was sort of "normal" sized.

I'm done with that now. At least I don't want to snack.. Trying too see the bright side, you know?

44 hours

Morning weight was 68.3, and 68.3 when I got home, ?? after my binge and 68.3 after the purge. Reading Kittys comment about her fasting ending up in binging and purging in the middle of my binge. I went straight to the bathroom and I hate to purge. Tried my toothbrush (I'll start brushing with a new one tonight) for the first time, but I had to stick it so far down my throat that I hurt myself (apparently, I'm bleeding now) and I didn't really get anything up. Started too use my fingers but I dont think I got it all up.

44 hours of fasting. I think it's the longest I've been and I wasn't really hungry. Dont even know why i started too eat when I got home from school today. Maybe it's because I was in school all day, or because I hadn't been eating for almost 2 days. I'm not beating myself up over it, anyway.

Sweet monday

No counting calories this weekend. Good thing because 1. I dont know the amount and 2. I dont want to know. Scale said 70.1 this morning but 69.7 when I got back from the gym (and I drink a lot at the gym) and I'm on my period, so I dont know.. One thing I know is I'm fasting today. Water fasting, thinking of making it a 2 day waterfast too. Or maybe I'll fruitfast tomorrow, I'll keep you updated!

Had fun at my party. Ate a shitton (including like ½ a cake because I had leftovers yesterday..). Had tacos before we started to drink and oh my god, my stomach started to act fucked up. Had a stomachache ALL night saturday, which made me a little less pumped for the party. Was really stressed about the party too and friday night we spent 2 hours at the ER because P's stomach had been hurting for 2 days.

Yeah.. I'll make this week great. I will behave ALL week. Sunday we're about to change the tires on my car, so it's lunch at my parents house. I know what we're eating and I've already decided how much I'm allowed. I want to start losing weight again, it's been a +-0 on the scale for too long. More dicipline, Mia. I cant get lazy because people are telling me I'm a lot thinner. Still fat and I want it OFF.

Hope you guys are doing great. I'll read your blogs later because right now I really have to study..

Friday.

Hello darlings. Yesterday I didn't eat all day. Had a huge salad at dinner but that really set me off on a small binge.. Ate pastrys right from the freezer, haha! Must have done something right, anyway, because I went from 69.4 kg back to 68.7 kg. I do not complain.

Today I wont eat untill dinner too. I guess. I'm going to my parents house (mom's going to dye my hair) and they will probably have bingefriendly food at home.. I will get there before they get home, by the way. My body's really sore, so I wont even go to the gym today. The sky's all blue (even though it's freezing) so I'm thinking about taking a long walk at my parents house to not fuck this up.

Hungry as hell right now. I probably need water.

It's a given

Of course it was a gain. 69.3 is what stared back at me this morning. How to celebrate it? With 4 digestive-crackers (2 of them with cheese..) and a ricecake (435 calories). I went to the gym, burning 455 calories and I'm planning too have a cupasoup for dinner later. Have too save my calories for Saturday, because it will be hard.. I'm having all my closest friends over for drinks. And there will be cake AND I bought like a 1 kg of crisps.. P and I are also having tacos with J and her boyfriend before the rest arrives.. I will try not to eat that much but I know I'll gain.

Had an awesome day yesterday. Went shopping with J and in Sweden it's 18 at bars, but 20 at the liqourstore, so of course I had too buy a couple of boosebottles, haha. Awesome feeling being able too get my own drinks.. I've been drinking since I was 13 so I've been waiting for a while! P bought me flowers (I've told him multiple times I'd like that) and told me he's paying for a 2 week vacation abroad!!!!!!!! We're going either in december/january or july I think. My sweet, sweet love <3

Birthday!

Today I'm turning 20, yey! A lot of congratulations to me, haha. My scale was kind this morning telling me 68.6 (lowest weight, again) kgs. Even though I ate like.. a fat whale this weekend. I will eat a lot today as well, but it's my birthday so I will not allow myself too feel bad about it.

Sorry for my absence, by the way.

FML

Morning weight was 70.6. I'm on a huge binge right now. Since friday. Gained 2 kgs and I will eat like a fat person today too. My stomach is really swollen, it looks like I'm pregnant. And hey, I think I'm about too have my period too, even though I'm in the middle of the chart.

I want to take laxies tonight and fast tomorrow.

Great day

In: 113 (proteinshake)
Out: 764
Net: - 651 calories
AWESOME day. Went to class, which was cancelled (AGAIN!!!!), so I went home and wrote on my exam until J woke up and we went to the gym. Then I went home, showered and had my proteinshake and then walked over to her place. We played cards (we ALWAYS do) and I didn't eat anything. She offered me both ricecakes and dinner. "I'm eating at home later", but when I got home it was 7.30 pm. a) I dont want to eat this late b) I'm not hungry and c) I dont want to see 69.6 again tomorrow.

I should take my dietpills more often. Gives me a hell of a lot of energy and really reduce my pain. I wont have the time to go to the gym tomorrow, but I'm doing laundry, baking and cleaning all day so I'll probably need the energy. My birthday's next tuesday and both mine and Ps relatives are coming over for coffee on sunday. Ugh.. I'm making cake, cupcakes and 3 other type of pastrys. My brothers girlfriend is going to help me out (she's a pastrycook).

08.00 - 12.00 = cleaning our apartment
12.00 - 17.00 = laundry
12.00 - ??.?? = baking and buying bakingstuff
13.00ish = eating. We've already decided on salad
Multitasking!

this is not the way

In: 868
Out: 600
Net: 268 calories
Morning weight was still 69.6, I hope it doesn't go up tomorrow.. Ugh. I want too lose weight. Now.

Gym tomorrow.

tuesday

In: 1667 (OMG)
Out: 373
Net: 1294 calories
So.. Had chinesefood with my parents today at lunch. Buffet.. It's "cinnamon bun day" in Sweden today, so P and I bought a bag of 5(!!!) big ones.. Ate 2 each and I feel like I'm going to be sick. Have to kick ass at the gym tomorrow to make up for it. And not eat that much, ugh..

Morning weight was 69.3.

lovely monday

In: 352 calories (2 suger free bars, 1 proteinshake and fishballs)
Out: 707 calories (running, cycling and weights)
Net: -355
It did not go so well with the whole "high intake" kind of thing.. Partly because I didn't know if it would go right through me (if you know what I mean..). When I left for the gym I was 69.5, I almost shit out a kg, haha. FML.

It was a lot of hard work at the gym today. I'm sent back a couple of weeks, cant run as fast as I used to 1 week ago. Going back tomorrow and I just have to think positive; it does not take long to increase your condition!

Have a nice monday guys

Todays class is cancelled which suits me very well. I ate a lot of candy yesterday so I got a really nasty stomachache right now. I'm not used to sugar anymore so it's really laxative. I've had my monday morning weigh in and scale say I'm 70.1 kg again. Last monday I was 70.8 so it's still a weeklyloss and saves my day. I'll be back at 68.9 in no time, I just worry about my high intake from now on.. I might try to keep it down, especially since I ate a shitload this weekend. I'm thinking a proteinshake when I get back from the gym and then a salad with a peanutstakething for dinner. It's like 500 calories for today? If I want/need to eat more I can do that too.

I think it's my new birthcontrollpill that's causing me to have this appetite. I crave things like all the time and feels like a trashcan when I eat. Blah.. It's a known sideeffect too but it should be gone in 2-3 months. I'm all moody too, because it's a lot higher in hormones (other hormones) than my old one.. I just hope it stops my bleedings!

Yesterday

I ate like there was no tomorrow. And I'll probably do that today too. Yesterday we went to this building with a lot of small rooms with different quests in them, you know what I mean? We went with like 10 other people to celebrate my cousin, so I did burn some calories during the day. Dont know how many.

Met this really skinny girl over at my cousins place at his b-dayparty. She was like reeeaaally skinny and reeeaaally toned. My weightloss was sort of the subjekt of the night because my cousin havn't seen me since I started losing, so it felt natural to tell her I really liked her body. We talked a lot during the evening and later on she got a little drunk and telling me she had anorexia a while back (claimed to be healthy now but didn't eat anything all night), a BMI of 17 now apparently, she had tears in her eyes while telling me her sister talked her in to get healthy again and warned me to get stuck with this diet thing.. The wierd part? It made me want to throw up and stop eating.

Woke up at 5 am this morning with a really bad bellyache. Felt like it was about to burst and I had not been eating or drinking anything for 6 hours. Was really thirsty and had a headache so I tried drinking some water which made it hurt even more. I almost cried because it was that painful. So scared.. It's gone now though.

I'm so tired of my body being a fuck up.

What was supposed to be SGD Day 26 (written at day 27)

Was a total fuck up. Decided to not count calories when I got home around 8 pm. I wanted to binge. So I did. In was about 1500 calories I guess. Out.. 300? A 0.2 kg gain, but that's probably liquid and food and I havn't been to the bathroom since.. monday? I just think I need a break. Wont be counting today either. Not "official" anyway. It's not like my brain will stop counting because I say so.

I think I need to eat. My body needs it. I'm scared. You know these things under my arms that I though came from working out? Like the skin had become irritated while I was at the gym? It's spreading.. Yeah.. I got it at other places on my body and it's like when you get a sunburn and your skin starts falling off, you know? Really disgusting and I'm scared it's because of some lack of either water or nutrition. Want to make my hair stop falling off too. That's why I'm going off the SGD and from monday I'm going too double my intake and eat 800-1000 calories a day.

I made it 25 days, sort of, anyway. I lost exactly 5 kgs in those 25 days. I'm still fat those 1000 calories is a maximum. Except for this weekend. As I said, I wont be counting but I will be thinking about what I put into my mouth.