Hi.

I'm gaining weight. Right now i "restrict" (meaning 1200-1500 kcal nowadays..) on the weekdays and binge all weekends. I'm hungry and tired all day. Thought reading this old blog would help me get motivated again. I can't remember how i used to eat or work out.

I can barely run these days. I got shin splints forcing me to limit my runs to 3 times a week. I can't run two days in a row without wanting to cry because it hurts so bad. I blame my Nike free's. I don't think they work very well with the way i run (I run superheavy).

And something happened with me. I can't locate the exact time, but I'm sort of developing some social-issues. I'm so socially awkward and I never was before. I've been working at the same place since june, and it was this week I started to talk to anyone for more than 5 minutes. She said "you're actually really funny. I didn't think you would be like this" and I don't blame her. I rarely say anything and i don't recognize myself. I don't even speak to any of my friends anymore. I talk to my parents and P and I have to be social to the costumers at work, and that's no problem because I get into my professional mindset.

Today is "vegan-thursday". It's my second week. Thought that would be a good way to get my mind set on what I want to for the longterm. Just because I'm hungry, having a craving or bored I don't have to stuff my mouth with food. Food is fuel, and I just want fuel enough to function.

fasting + award

I'm eating less than my body's getting rid of, yet I'm gaining fast. I guess it's liquid but I feel like hitting my head into a wall. I'm doing a liquid fast today (second one theis week, yey!) with proteinshakes. Because I'm too fat to eat anything. I'll go to the gym and burn all this disgusting fat off my body.

And the award: When receiving it, you have to promote the person who gave it to you by putting their link in your post. (Thank you sammy!)

When you've done that, you have to tell us about 11 things about yourself and answer the 11 questions that you were asked. Nominate 11 people to do this, and make them answer your 11 own questions. Last thing you'll have to do, is going on their blogs and tell them they are nominated.

My 11 things:
1. I hate myself. I'm a horrible person and I dont understand how I can have any friends. I'm so negative, angry and bitchy all the time. If I didn't have to be with me, I'd leave.
2. I love P so much, but I still have feelings for a guy I used to date. I dont want to be with that guy, but I still lose my breath when I see him. And this is the first time I'm telling someone.
3. I could easily turn into an alcoholic. I crave alcohol at least once a day. That's why I dont drink that often.
4. I got stomachproblems, and I'm afraid it's something really bad. Sometimes I imagine dying from it, and sometimes it doesn't even bother me that I die.
5. I was sexually abused when I was 8. He was really close to me, almost like a second father because he and his wife took care of me and my brother when our parents worked. That really fucked me up.
6. That's why me and my brother is so close. I told him when I was 12, and I've never seen him that angry again. Hate and tears in his eyes while he said "I'll kill him if he touch you again".
7. It also made me fucked up sexually. I've never had sex with someone because I wanted to, it was always to hurt myself. For punishment.
8. I've had sex with one of my best friends ex-boyfriend. They we're together when it happened. We were 14 and I would never, ever do that today.
9. My dreamguy is dark-haired with brown eyes. But I've always been fallen for blonde guys with blue eyes.
10. The only thing I like about myself is my eyes. They're too small, but I love the color.
11. I always manage to kill our flowers.

Sammys questions:
1. Where were you on the night of yesterday?
Home in by bed.
2. Describe your sexual orientation
I'm straight. Women are beautiful, but I dont get turned on.
3.What turns you on?
Being held by a couple of strong arms.
4. What turns you off?
Talk during sex or when they go on and on about how cool/rich/what ever they are.
6. What are your views on incest?
Not okay. Especially when it's kids involved. Between adults? Well they're adults.
7. Coffee?
Somedays I love coffee and sometimes it taste like crap.
8. You are injected with something that makes you so hypersexual you are attracted to every gender and need to have sex like right now; what do you do?
I'd help myself out, haha.
9. What would you do if your Father was Satan?
I've acutally had really bad problems with my dad growing up. We're still not more than okay. (if you meen father like dad and not like god or anything)
10. Did you once think your nipples were weird or is it just me?
I still do..
11. How many times have you worn the same bra/underwear/boxers whatever for more than one day?
Underpants I change every day, but bra.. I wash mine tooooo rarely..

I nominate:
Jen, Klaudia and Sammy (at least, do my 11 questions!). I don't have 11 people to nominate..

Your questions:
1. What is the most happy moment in your life?
2. If you could choose between being happy about your weight right now or continue to strive for skinny, what would you choose?
3. If you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your lives, what would it be?
4. What's your favourite day of the week?
5. How do the man/woman of your dreams look like?
6. What country are you living in?
7. If you could work with whatever you want, what would you do?
8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
9. What's your biggest fear?
10. How do you feel about aspartame and things like that?
11. Do you have a rolemodel? If yes, tell us about him/her!

Fasting

I was 72.6 this morning, but with both food in my stomach and a insanly high intake of salt, I guess it's a little lower. Anyway. Fasting today (except for a splash of milk in my tea and some lemonjuice in my water) to redeem. I also went to the gym burning 1500 kalories, so tomorrow I will se a loss. Hopefully a big one. The energy is the only upside of eating like I never would see food again. Or was it my PWO? Anyway, I could just keep going at the gym all day.

I love mondays. P goes, for the most of the time, out with his co-workers on mondays which leavs me home alone until 9pm. That means I can eat what ever I want, or simply skip eating. I'm not even hungry today, but my body is sort of upset. One minute I'm freeeeezing and suddenly I'm warm as a whale. My face is insanely red.

I went out saturday. Did haschish (I dont even know if that's what you call it) even though I six years ago promised myself to never ever do it again. I took two small whiffs and I almost didn't feel anything. It could've been the nicotine effect from the tobacco. I'm so ashamed and I cant understand how I could be so stupid. I'm beating myself up so badly about this and I didn't even get high. And I'm superparanoid as fuck and hesitates about posting this.

and it keeps going good.

I've been sticking to my limit of 1200 kalories all weekend for the first time in a looong time. I gained 0.3 kg (still lost 2.6kg last week), but I guess it's because the food's still in my body.

Went to the gym (-561) today and I've only had oatmeal and a proteinshake (368).

Other than that? Nothing is happening in my life. I'm fucking boring.

Still here

Monday I started counting calories again, and it's going fine. This morning I'd lost 2.4kgs, I'm "only" 1.7 kgs from 69.9, woho! Bought a new pair of workout shoes for the gym today, that I'll start to use when I'm less than 70kgs. My old ones is like 2 years old, and well.. I've been going to the gym a lot since I started to lose weight.

I'm hungry as hell, but I'm motivated as fuck.

out of control

I'm home alone. P's out drinking with his friends. I'm so incredibly lonely. I've been down all day. Went to the kitchen when P made lunch, and I didn't even set my foot in there before he asked me to leave. I know it's because our kitchen is really small, and he didn't know how I felt, but it made things worse. I tried to talk to him like an hour before he left. About how I feel. He grabbed my boob and said "feel better now?". I know it was ment as a joke, and he didn't meen to hurt me, but he did. I feel like I could die and noone would care.

And that's what's scaring me the most. I'm thinking about death again. Not like I did before, I stopped wanting to kill myself when I was.. 15? But it's like I cant decide if I want to live or if i just dont care. I'm so scared I will fall down into myself again. I was there for so long and it was really hard to get happy again. I wanted to die for so long, I've hated myself for so long.. I never stopped having these "attacks", it feels like I'm going to explode from the inside because it hurts so much, but they are coming more often. I dont want to be depressed.

I want to hurt myself to let some steam out. I cant. It's impossible to hide. I want to stop eating but I cant. Other people would notice but the real problem is I keep ruin it for myself. I don't deserve to be happy. Or am I just scared of being happy? I don't know.

It's just one of those days.

Guess who weigh 1.3lbs less than yesterday?

THAT'S RIGHT, I am! 159lbs, that's nice for a fat girl.

I got another seminar today, so I better spend this morning studying. I have not decided if I'll go to the gym today or not. I might go when I'm done with the examination. Anyway, I'm not having breakfast, thats's for sure! Lunch and dinner I've not decided on yet. I'll have to eat both.